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5:42 a.m. - 2004-02-18


Well, I was offered another job yesterday.

Basically, I'd be driving military troops to Kentucky three days a week.

I don't think I'll be taking it.

Something about driving 6-10 young military guys in a van and going "That's Alabama ... That's Alabama ... That's Alabama ... That's Alabama ... That's Tennessee ... That's Tennessee ... That's Tennessee ... aaaaaand KENTUCKY!! Get out!" doesn't really appeal to me.

Plus, I'm the world's worst mechanic. If the van were to overheat, my logical solution would be to take it through a carwash.

That'd be fine on the way to Kentucky. Out of six or ten guys in the van, one of them should have some sort of mechanical knowledge.

But driving the seven hours back by myself?

I can just imagine breaking down in the middle of Bumfuck, Kentucky and having to hike to a house in the woods and being sodomized by a bunch of backwoods hillbillies with moonshine breath and horribly disfigured hillbilly peckers.

No thanks, Cletus.

I think I'll stick to the DJ life.

Went to the doctor yesterday.

Basically, he doubled my dosage on everything I take and added new pills to the mix.


At this rate, I can probably get a job as a pill-taker because it's going to take me at least eight hours a day to choke down all these mofos.

Oh yeah.

Regarding people in my area looking for a deejay.

If you're planning a party near me like Auburn Gal and want Uncle Bob to deejay your event, I will give all readers of this page a substantial discount on my services.


Email me to discover just what that substantial discount may be.

But I'm tellin' ya ... it's SUBSTANTIAL, baby.

I can't get the song "Danke Schoen" out of my head this morning.


I was told when I accepted this club deejay gig that I am also the Karaoke Master and that throughout my shift if someone comes up and wants to do karaoke, I stop everything and let them sing.

The owner of the club said some deejays may have a problem with that.

I told him I didn't.

I do though.

Karaoke kills any momentum that you may have built as a deejay.

While I have a great love for the art of singing badly into a video monitor, I hope nobody else in the clubs share that same love.

I may have to get all Jackie Chan on their ass if that's the case.

I have watched a TON of movies lately.

But I don't feel like discussing them here.

Which makes me the first online journalist in history that was able to resist that irresistable urge.

I want that on my tombstone, by the way.

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