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6:41 a.m. - 2004-03-12


It's not the most scientific of studies but I have come to the conclusion that most Asian children have no sense of humor.

I picked up Andrew early from daycare yesterday to take him to the park since the weatherman swore to God it was 72 degrees outside and I hadn't actually stepped outside all day to test his credibility.

It felt like maybe 67 degrees.

Certainly not 72 degrees.

Maybe ... MAYBE 70 degrees.

But 72 degrees??

Keep dreaming, Weather Guy.

Anyway, picked Andrew up, went to the park and made a beeline for the big contraption with the purple dinosaur slide.

Andrew, like most children 3 and under, LOVES the purple dinosaur slide.

It's purple.

Shaped like a dinosaur.

And features a slide.

...You know ... in case you needed a valid description of the structure.

So he gets in line to get on it and all the kids are sliding down and screaming "WHEEEEEE!!!" like Paris Hilton enjoying a particularly rousing bout of doggy style sex.

Except for two little Asian kids.

Brother and sister I think, although to be honest, I didn't ask them for ID.

These kids would slide down the purple dinosaur slide with looks on their faces as if they were being interrogated by Russian spies.

They neither "Wheeeee"'d or smiled.

They just went down the slide over and over again looking like junior versions of Mao Tse Tung.

All stoic and stonefaced.

Their mother was jabbering to them in some language that sounded like a silverware drawer being overturned onto a cement floor.

"Ching ching chang chung ching ching," she told them all excitedly.

Whatever that means, and I'm only guessing that it meant "Smile, you little bag of dainty snapdragons", they would not smile.

They were having fun. I could tell by their enthusiasm to keep sliding.

But they were all stonefaced the entire time.

The whole experience made me construct a song in my head that I'd like to share with you now.

It's called "Smile You Little Shit".

Goes a little something like this.


"Smile you little shit.

Life cannot be that bad when you're three and going down a purple dinosaur sliiiide.

What the fuck is wrong with youuuuuu?

Were you tortured as a babyyyyyy?

Are you worried about our national economyyyyyyy?

Does the current price of gasoline get you dowwwwwwwn?

What's wrong you little shit?

Smile, damn you.


I've only written the lyrics and no melody yet.

But if I had to lean toward a melody, I'm thinking a techno version of "Three Blind Mice".

Works for me.

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