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6:53 a.m. - 2004-03-31


Ummmm .... yeah.

The other day I said something along the lines of "Speaking of my books, remind me to tell you something tomorrow."

Suffice to say, I forgot to tell you.

And I'm kinda sworn to secrecy to not say anything just yet.

Which I kinda forgot about when I typed that sentence.

Here's what I can tell you:

Very soon you'll be able to read Uncle Bob in a handy book form that will be perfect for extended trips to the toilet and your local laboratory to get blood work done.

Stay tuned for further details in the next VERY FEW weeks.

ADDENDUM: I guess I need to check my email more often because there was a note from the editor of the book which said it was okay to pimp the book.

It's called "Never Threaten To Eat Your Co-Workers: The Best of Blogs" and yes ... Uncle Bob is in there. Apparently I fooled someone into thinking I'm one of the best of the blogs out there.

You can see the website for the book here but the website isn't completely finished yet. I believe you can also order the book from there as well.

And yes ... for those of you who had a bell rung when you read the title ... it comes from my entry back in September of last year.

So buy the damned book. It's got more than just me in there including some of the Internet's most notorious webloggers.

I'm so proud of myself! I kept this secret for months!

I went to rehearsal for this Easter play I'm in this coming weekend.

I've got to say, this is really going to be a pretty cool looking play when all is said and done.

I guess I was expecting something that'd be right at home on a junior high gymnasium stage.

But this church has all these fancy lights, sound system, props and fog.

There's even one effect that looks like lightning going across the room that freaked me out.

The one thing that they can NOT do is convince Jesus to drop that deep southern drawl of his.

Jesus sounds like he's got a Chevy pick-up with a gun rack and rebel flag in the back window.

Call me a skeptic, but I just don't find it convincing when Jesus is healing people and saying "I jes' fixed that there boy's eyes! That lil' sumbitch can see again! YEEEEEE-HAH!"

I mean ... to each his own and all.

But this Jesus sounds like he just wandered out of the corn field on "Hee Haw".

As far as my own performance ... well ... I am spot on in my ability to play the big guy shuffling through the village market.

Because I'm a method actor, last night I decided that my character should have some sort of affliction.

Mainly due to the fact that most doctors back then were hesitant on prescribing pain killers and most prescription drugs to shoeless village shoppers.

So I held my arm as if it were broken and dragged my right leg slightly to simulate a bum knee.

I kept this up until I ran across one of the other actors who really did have a bad hip and was struggling to keep up with the other actors.

I decided that one gimp in the scene was probably enough and went back to my confident swaggering.

Plus, to the naked eye, it really looked as if I was making fun of the poor guy and the last thing I wanted to do was get in a fist fight in a church with an overly sensitive cripple over my keen acting skills.

Like I need THAT shit on a resume.

I ducked out of rehearsal and headed to work at the club where I was once again reminded on how pathetic drunks can be.

One guy who is an apparent regular of the club that I had yet to meet was about 60 years old and falling down drunk.

I'm not exaggerating here ... He was wearing a cowboy hat, one of those frilly country western singer shirts, short shorts, knee-high white dress socks and brown loafers.

He looked like Stevie Wonder was his fashion consultant.

It was Karaoke night which meant I was bombarded with requests from talentless drunks all night wanting to sing along with Hank Williams and secretly hope that Simon Cowell would happen to stroll in, gasp and offer them a million dollars to sign with his podunk record label.

One of the other deejays for the club came in and was a bit inebriated.

He kept referring to himself as my boss.

He's a nice guy but he's so full of shit when he blows his nose, diarrhea comes out.

But I really like the guy and his cockiness amuses me.

Anyway, he decides he wants to sing Bob Seger's "Night Moves".

He gets out there on the dance floor and belts it out and isn't half bad.

Since the requests have died down, I figure I'll join in on the fun and do a little Karaoke myself.

Now, as many of you may remember, I am the God of Karaoke.

Years of singing in the shower and car have paid off in spades whenever I grab that microphone.

To cover my ass, I make the announcement that I've "never done this before" and for everyone to "please be gentle".



I cued up "Can't Help Falling In Love" by Elvis Presley and knock that bastard out of the ball park.

The applause is kept to a bare minimum because everyone's gettin' their drink on and not paying any attention to the bloated DJ singing his heart out in front of the TV monitor.

The next song I did was supposed to be "Mack The Knife".

But I accidentally cued up Kenny Rogers' "Lucille" instead.

Now, most people would have collapsed like Courtney Love's main arteries, but not this kid.

I belted that bitch out like I'd been singing it all my life.

And because it was a country song that begged for my woman back ... I got a standing ovation from the people in attendance.

Then ... I got cocky.

I don't remember EVERYTHING I sang.

But I remember the LAST song I sang.

"Paradise By The Dashboard Light" by Meat Loaf.

I was doing okay with it.

Then ... my testicles swelled.

I began doing the woman's half of the song.

I did the sportscaster's voice in the middle.

I was a one man show on ice.

That is, if there had been any ice around.

However, the song was not constructed for one guy to sing all three parts.

I ended up stretching my larynx to the limit.

I only hope ... nay ... pray ... that my Karaoke days are not over.

I just hate to even think what the world would be like with my talents snuffed out so soon.

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NEW!!!Come and write some BAD EROTICA with the cool kids!

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Have you read these?

The End Of Uncle Bob - 12:28 p.m. , 2009-02-19

Losing Focus While Trying To Write A Blog Entry Is Cool. - 1:47 p.m. , 2008-12-04

Buck Up Junior, You Could Be Digging Ditches - 11:36 p.m. , 2008-10-31

That Sinking Feeling - 6:09 a.m. , 2008-10-28

Return Of The Karate Kid And His Slow Kitty-Lovin' Accomplice - 5:44 a.m. , 2008-10-22

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