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10:56 a.m. - 2004-05-20


I know I told you guys about this earlier in the week but I must stress how important this is.

You MUST watch "Superstar USA" on the WB network.

This is the complete opposite of "American Idol" where a panel of judges is looking for the WORST singer in America ... yet they tell the singer that they're the best.

These poor delusional bastards are falling for it hook line and sinker and truly believe that they're talented when they're so untalented that it's frightening.

It is the most hilarious show on television right now.

It's also horribly cruel. The judges are a takeoff on the judges from "American Idol" except they're about 100 times meaner than Simon. They go out of their way to be devastatingly mean to the good singers and fill the bad singers with such bullshit that the bad singers don't even see the bullshit.

My picks?

Mario, he of the greasy hair, pipe-cleaner body, thick glasses and bad style.

Or the guy with the lobotomy scars and visible metal plate in his skull.

One of those guys will win.

And when they win, the producers finally let them in on the big secret.

They totally suck ass.

For those of you who missed the first two episodes, they'll be running them back to back Friday night beginning at 8 EST/7 central.

I've never been so in love with a show in my life.

Except for "Blind Date".

That show rocks too.

Because I threatened to write a song about that horrible bar I work in, I felt it necessary to follow up on the idle threat and actually write the song.

So here you go.

Sung to the tune of Toby Keith's "I Love This Bar":


(If you want to hear me sing it and you want to read along, click here. Keep in mind, I'm not a country singer ... I just do what I can.)

We got shitheads

Tons of losers

More than our share of boozers

We got cripples

We got Strokey

Whose speech is slurred but still tries karaoke.

And the hot young girls don't bother coming in looking for pole

Hmmm, Hmmm, Hmmm, Hmmm, Hmmm

I Hate This Fucking Shithole.


We got old folks

With cirrhosis

Who drink 'til they lose focus

We've got white trash

With few teeth left

Who'll drink dog piss on a dollar bet

And the rednecks who say the DJ's gotta go

Hmmm, Hmmm, Hmmm, Hmmm, Hmmm

I Hate This Fucking Shithole.


I Hate This Fucking Shithole

It's a filthy nasty place

Just walking through the front door

Makes me lose the smile on my face

The customers are old

One looks like a troll

Hmmm, Hmmm, Hmmm, Hmmm, Hmmm

I Hate This Fucking Shithole.


The customers stink

Like moldy cheese

You can look at their face and guess their disease

We've got truckers

Those motherfuckers

They jack off in the can and call themselves "lovers"

And most of these dicks are out on their parole.

Hmmm, Hmmm, Hmmm, Hmmm, Hmmm

I Hate This Fucking Shithole.


ME: I hate these folks

CROWD: I hate these folks

ME: They smell like ashtrays

CROWD: They smell like ashtrays

ME: The hot young girls know better than to walk into this place


That's why I Hate This Fucking Shithole

It's a miserable place

Nobody in here smiles or talks

Or wipes the dried mustard off of their face

Not much of a life

But they all carry knifes

Hmmm, Hmmm, Hmmm, Hmmm, Hmmm

I Hate This Fucking Shithole.

Hmmm, Hmmm, Hmmm, Hmmm, Hmmm

I Hate This Fucking Shithole.

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NEW!!!Come and write some BAD EROTICA with the cool kids!

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