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5:55 a.m. - 2004-05-25
A few months ago, after a particularly bad doctor's visit experience, I asked you guys to send me some of your various maladies and I would then diagnose them for free. I feel as if I can do this because my doctor does the same thing. I go in and say "I'm tired, Doc" and he says "You've got diabetes" and puts me on a diet. Then a few years later he says "You're not diabetic, you have low testosterone. But you're near diabetic." Therefore, if he can do this shit, I can too. My qualifications: I got a B+ in biology in the 11th grade and I've watched that really gross emergency room on the Discovery Channel once. Ready?? Q: I have a splitting headache. R.V. Springfield, Oregon A: If you're not allergic to it, take two aspirin. Q: Is my knee broken? J.H. West Islip, Montana A: If it hurts a lot, it may be. Q: I've got this bad pain in my side. L.E. Hampton Roads, VA. A: If it doesn't go away, it might be something serious. Q: I've been coughing a lot. C.L. West Falls, Ontario A: You could have anything from a simple infection to a dreaded disease. Try to keep warm. Q: I discovered these funny warts on my ears. S.N. Casper, Wyo. A: That's not as nature intended. Q: My joints have been hurting a lot lately. C.S. Albany, N.Y. A:They probably hurt worse when you move, so try to stay still. Q: I've got this sharp pain in my right side. K.G. Macon, GA. A: It could be appendicitis. But if you've had your appendix out, it's probably something else. Q: I feel dizzy sometimes. K.V. Spokane, WA. A: Healthy people don't feel dizzy. It sounds to me like you've got something wrong with you. Q: There are tiny red spots all over my body. D.N. St. Louis, MO. A: Send me a color photograph. By the way, if you shop around, you can probably find a camera store that'll give you a free coupon toward a box of personalized Christmas cards. Q: I get nauseous in the mornings. B.N. Los Angeles, CA A: If you're a woman, you're pregnant. If you're a man, you might be sick. Q: I've got this terrible pain in my lower back. S.O. Chicago, IL. A: See if you can't keep your mind off the pain. Try guessing the answer to this riddle: "What has 22 legs and catches flies?" It's a tricky one and you should be able to concentrate on it for a long time. Q: Lately I don't seem to have any energy. Is this serious? B.L. New Haven, Conn. A: Sometimes, depending on what's causing it. Q: My vision has been blurry for several days, and it's getting worse. T.W. Bowling Green, KY A:Don't worry. If it's something serious, you'll find out soon enough. Q: I'm 47 years old and my friends say I don't look so good these days. D.M. Columbia, S.C. A:It could be just a vitamin deficiency. But if you are eating three squares a day, it might be cancer. Q: I've always had beautiful skin. But when I woke up this morning, I had these strange scaly patches. B.L. Sarasota, FL A: I didn't wake up with any. So I bet you have something wrong with you. Q: I have this horrible cough that I can't get rid of. I've been smoking two packs a day for over twenty years and frankly, I'm terrified of lung cancer. B.A. Denver, Colo. A: Maybe I can cheer you up with a good joke. Why are Polacks such poor duck hunters? Because they can't throw the dogs high enough! Q: I've been vomiting and my throat is sore. Is this contagious? S.W. Huntsville, AL A:I don't know anyone that has it. But then again, I don't know that many people. Q: The other day, in the middle of my housework, I fainted for no apparent reason. S.K. Montpelier, Verm. A: You've got something alright. Q: Everywhere I go, there's this ringing in my ears. H.J. Phoenix, AZ. A: Uh-oh.
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