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9:33 a.m. - 2004-06-03


(Overheard in the bar last night)

DRUNK GUY: "I'm not an alcoholic ... I'm a social drinker. And right now, I'm social as FUCK!!"

Sorry, but that shit cracked me up.

Had a slow night last night and was home about 11:30 when I noticed the new neighbors moving in to Mattie Gee's house next door.

(Yes, Mattie Gee moved away. Got divorced, moved in with a new gal, plans on getting married and is touring Europe with the Spicolis. Did I not mention that?)

I walked up to introduce myself and the husband was just beat. He had been moving in all night with his wife and they still had half a truck full of stuff to move inside. Basically all the big furniture.

Being the weasel I am, I said "Good luck!" and ran inside the house.

C'mon! It was 11:30 at night! Do you REALLY think I'd help the guy move in to his house in the middle of the night after just working for several hours?

I went inside ... changed clothes ... and went to help the guy.

I don't think I've ever seen anyone so appreciative in my life.

I took he and his wife my last two bottles of Gatorade because they both looked like they could use it and basically did all the heavy work for the rest of their stuff.

We finished at 1 a.m. with everyone purely exhausted.

The wife gave me a hug and thanked me and said I was the sweetest neighbor she had ever had.

I told her to just wait when I start yelling at her to keep her damned kids out of my flowerbed.

So I got to bed a few hours late and am pretty sore today.

That's okay.

It's not like I had anything to do today anyway.

I mean ... I was going to mow the yard but ....

My neighbor broke my lawn mower.

Just broke it. Broke the fuck out of it if I may be so bold.

He's a super nice guy. He's a minister (like myself) but he's a real minister with a church and everything whereas I'm just a dipshit running around calling myself the Right Reverend Bob as a gimmick for my job.

Anyway, he didn't have the foresight to build a garage onto his house and his plans to build a shed in the backyard are currently on hold.

His yard was looking pretty nappy yesterday so I said "Yo Rev ... if you ever need to borrow my lawn mower, just come get it."

He came and got it.

He broke the pull cord ... the thing you yank to start it.

And he broke the handle thing so that you can't maneuver the lawn mower at all.

He was very apologetic and said that he would replace both parts of the lawnmower, but first ... he and the family are going to the beach until late Saturday night.

Oh joy.

Leaving me with high grass and no lawn mower.

So now I've got to borrow another neighbor's lawn mower to cut my yard.

And my neighbors work during the day while I work at night so there's conflicting schedules when it comes to borrowing lawn mowers.

So while I could sit here and bitch about the minister who broke my lawn mower, I think I'm going to do something about it instead.

It's time to do a Google Search for "How To Unordain a Minister Who Breaks Your Lawn Mower".

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