GREAT IDEA, HORRIBLE EXECUTION

I came up with a BRILLIANT idea over the weekend.

I was going to target local apartment complexes and hound them to hire me to DJ their summer pool parties.

Because all apartment complexes have pool parties, right?

But here's the kicker ... rather than just dropping by there and asking for the complex manager and then sheepishly handing her a business card, I would present her with a fancy schmancy CD chock full of summer songs as an example of what I could play at the party.

Then, just to make sure that she doesn't just say "Thanks! We'll keep in touch!" and then secretly organize a pool party behind my back and just play the CD at the party rather than hire me, I talk all throughout the CD ... like every other song ... kinda like commercials all throughout the disc.

"Want to add some fun to your pool party? How about 2,000 Karaoke songs! Sounds great, huh? Now here's 'Surfin' USA' by the Beach Boys for all you cool cats and crazy chicks!"

That kinda crap.

So if they DO decide to play my disc at a pool party ... WHAMMO!! Instant annoying commercials while people are trying to get a tan or eat a hot dog or have underwater oral sex in the pool. Whatever the hell goes on at pool parties. I wouldn't know since I haven't taken my shirt off in public in years. Not since the heart surgery anyway.

So I get ten discs made and when Susie gets home yesterday, I told her of my brilliant idea and plan.

"Shouldn't you have done this in like ... April?" she asked.

Probably.

But I didn't have the IDEA in April, dear.

Gah.

If it were indeed possible to piss on someone's parade, I'd be soaked in my wife's urine right now.

...While dressed in a snazzy clown costume.

(It's a parade ... remember??)

Saw an ad on CNN.com the other day for a music downloading service that only costs 99 cents a month.

Since I accidentally left my Kazaa window open all night recently and woke up to a mean message from the Recording Industry reminding me that I was stealing copywritten material and was a horrible person with bad hygiene, I had been looking for another avenue in which to get my tunes online.

99 cents a month sounded reasonable.

So I went to I Music Share.

You have to commit to a two year membership at 99 cents a month which is cool with me. I mean, I could die tomorrow which would really screw up things. But if I live another two years then it'll probably pay for itself.

Anyway, I'm kinda ... I dunno ... perplexed by the whole thing.

I paid my money.

Then I downloaded some program thing.

And the program I now use is called Overnet.

And I can't help but wonder ... why did I pay $24 to use Overnet when I could have just went to Overnet and got it for free?

I can't help but think I'm missing something here.

You know ... besides my 24 bucks.

And I'm not exactly sure that I Music has my back when the Feds come busting down my door and seize my computer full of Avril Lavigne MP3s.

(She's SOOO boss! BFF Avril!!)

What I HAVE discovered with Overnet is that you get new music easier than old stuff.

If you want some Usher, you can get it quick and efficiently.

If you want Nazareth, it snickers at you and says "Can't help ya, Gramps."

So if you're looking for new music that's not all scrambled like the crap you get on Kazaa, I can recommend Overnet.

But for oldies, Kazaa is much more reliable.

This has been the Critic's Corner for today.