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6:44 a.m. - 2004-07-06


It's official.

I am now a Flylady.

Y'see ... I have some confessions to make today. Things I don't normally talk about.

First, my wife and I are packrats. I've probably covered this in the past but as a Flylady, I must admit it officially.

I have trouble throwing shit away.

I can throw garbage away. That's no problem.

But a church newsletter?

A magazine I picked up free at the store?

Receipts from restaurants?

They're all stuffed in drawers in case I ever neeeeed them.

I read a book on Sunday called Messie No More. The book didn't really do shit for me because it's written for women and (Warning: Another confession) I'm a guy.

But I learned the roots of my problems with clutter.

I want to be the person that people can come to when they need things. So I hoard things. The problem is, my house is so full of things that I never invite anyone over to borrow things so nobody even knows I have these things.

I also feel like I'm always going to need these things again someday. I keep every magazine I get because I think that maybe someday I'll need to read that review of "There's Something About Mary" again to get insight on the film or some crazy shit.

It's a mental deficiency. I'm admitting it right here in print ... I'm mentally deficient in this area.

And I'm willing to bet that some of you are the same.

In the past ... about two years ago ... I threw away a LOT of my magazines.

Keep in mind, I had boxes and boxes and BOXES of magazines dating back to the early 70s.

I had kept them in pristine condition.

In boxes.

In our storage shed.

For years.

I took them to a dumpster and even though it pained me to do so ... I tossed thousands of magazines away.

Know what?

After doing it, I not only felt relieved, but I've never "needed" those magazines since.

I've never sat here in my office and thought "Christ. If only I had that Rolling Stone from February '75 with the Captain and Tenille on the cover, my life would be complete!"

Just. Hasn't. Happened.

So I know that I can throw things away with no regret.


(There's always a big "but")

Our community yard sale is coming up in September, so we're putting a LOT of this crap in the yard sale.

Because (another mental deficiency) ... I have a mindset where if I'm getting rid of this stuff, I want it to have a good home.

In the case of the magazines, while I threw away many of them, I also sold about 20 boxes full for $10 at a yard sale to a woman who was a serious packrat as well.


I bought a book yesterday (that I plan on throwing away once I finish it, thankyewverymuch) called "The Queen of Clean Conquers Clutter". It's supposed to point me in the right direction of overcoming this mental obstacle to the point where I CAN HAVE people in my house rather than answering the front door and stepping out onto the front porch because I'm too embarrassed of the mess inside.

And I'm actually into this whole thing too! I'm enjoying cleaning out all this crap.

Yesterday ... I've got this top drawer in my dresser that was so full of crap that I couldn't open it.

I wedged my hand in there and moved some stuff so it would finally pop open.

And I proceeded to throw 99.9% of the stuff away.

I kept a handheld tape recorder in case I need it for a story. Plus it's practically new, I only used it a handful of times.

But everything else is gone.

And I love it.

My kitchen is spotless. The counters are bare, the cupboards, while well stocked, are not full of plastic Batman Forever tumblers from McDonalds anymore.

I'm a new man.

Scratch that.

I'm a new Flylady.

And proud of it.

Macy Gray announced yesterday that she would be performing a concert completely nude.

I have an official press release I would like to issue on my reaction to this news:

"Ew. Ew ew ew. Ewww, ewwww eww ewwwwewww eeeeeewwwww. Eeeeewwww. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ewwwwwww!"

Had Britney or Kylie Minogue or Hilary Duff or J-Lo announced this, the press release would have read differently.

But Macy Gray??

Hell, I'd rather see Bette Midler nude.

Maybe it's wrong to speculate on such things, but I can only imagine that Macy's crotch looks like it's been invaded by a festering brood of tarantulas, spreading rapidly across her torso.

Pray to GOD that the carpet doesn't match the drapes in this case.

Because if so, when she removes those panties, she's going to knock out the first three rows of the audience.

John Kerry has announced that he's picked a running mate but is being very mum on the subject until he announces the candidate later today.

Political pundits are stumped and are saying that technically it could be anyone.

And now I'm having panic attacks because I really really really really really HOPE he doesn't pick me.

Because even though the Vice President does little more than take advantage of his position to hook his friends up with multi-billion dollar business deals, I still don't know shit about the job.

I wish he'd just hurry up and announce the candidate so I can rest easy.

The man's got me on pins and needles, he does!

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