ME AND SNOOP DOGG DOWN BY THE SCHOOLYARD

Can I just say that I am love love loving "Joe Schmo 2" these days?

I know none of you are watching it, but this week's episode was hooterific!

Yeah.

He said "hooterific".

Deal with it.

Speaking of "dealing with it", I actually said something at work last night over the microphone that would be something you'd expect me to say, but I never would have actually said.

These guys were in the club ... regulars ... anyway, last night was their last night here. Today they're all shipping out to Virginia and Oklahoma and other places.

There was this girl in there who wanted to hear Mis-Teeq's new song so I played it.

This made the regular guys groan.

So I got on the microphone and said: "You know, your groaning reminds me of something my mother used to say. 'If you don't like it, bitch ... do something about it'."

This got a giggle from them, and I felt good for calling them bitches.

I like the guys though. I let one of them be a guest DJ for about 30 minutes and let him pick out all the music and holler at the crowd.

Good times.

My sink is SHINING, mofos.

I'm really proud of the rooms in the house that are now clutter-free.

I still have to tackle the bedrooms, the garage, the dining room and bathrooms.

And the back patio.

And closets. Christ. The closets.

But I'm in a mindset where I'm excited about throwing things away.

Not to the point of having to whack it silly while fantasizing about overflowing trash cans.

But slightly less excited.

I'm still trying to overcome my fear of throwing away all my old letters from people.

I have letters dating back to the mid-70s from friends in the sixth grade.

And my freshman year of college where my girlfriend wrote me every day from home ... I still have all those letters.

But I haven't read them since I was a freshman in college.

And now it's time to say goodbye to them.

I guess I always thought that someday I'd be in a nursing home and reading all these 65 year-old letters and reminiscing.

Now I know I'm probably going to die of a heart attack at 50 while mowing the lawn in this godforsaken heat.

So why keep the letters??

I had a dream last night that I was friends with Snoop Dogg and we were hanging out in an elementary school and I was trying to talk him into us becoming a comedy team called "The Phat Boyz".

He wasn't going for the idea.

Then we went to see a Monty Python movie in the theater and he wouldn't quit smoking the weed, so they kicked him out.

And I just sat there frozen in my seat thinking "There goes my ride".

Analyze THAT mofos.

I love Walmart.

It's no big secret. I know that it's cool to dis Walmart.

But I love the place.

I bought these lawn bags that were too small for my trash can a few weeks ago.

Misplaced the receipt. I'm sure I'll find it when I get around to cleaning more clutter.

So I take the bags back to the store and went up to customer service.

"I bought these bags a few weeks ago but I don't have my receipt and ..."

"Here's $6.53. Have a nice day."

They will take back ANYTHING and pay you for it without a receipt.

No hassle. No fuss.

BAM! Here's your money, Trump. Have a nice day.

Try going to McDonald's, vomiting on the counter and expect to be paid cash for that.

Ain't gonna work, my friend.

Speaking of the 4th of July (I know, I know ... my segues are starting to suck), ours was lame.

The family across the street said they had fireworks and invited everyone out into the cul-de-sac to watch them once it got dark.

Well ... they had about 150 bottle rockets and that was it.

Rule of thumb: Buy 10 bottle rockets when buying fireworks and that's all. Bottle rockets are about as fun as a trip to the proctologist.

Luckily, people on other streets had the foresight to buy real fireworks and we watched them from afar.

I don't buy fireworks because they're a waste of money in my opinion.

If I'm going to light something up, I wanna catch a buzz from it.

I signed up for an Ebay Account yesterday.

I still need to do research as to how much I wanna sell my stuff for.

But I'll be providing links to my stuff from this site in case you guys want to bid on things like my Captain Kirk action figure that currently sits on my desk on Chairy from the Pee Wee Herman Show.

Coming soon to eBay!

Can you say "Yay!"?