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7:21 a.m. - 2004-08-31


For those of you in Oregon and Idaho, you probably could care less about Hurricane Frances because you're out in the potato fields, harvesting the taters with no threat of a major storm blowing your way.

But down here in the southeast, local weathermen are creaming their jeans babbling on and on how there's a "chance" the hurricane is headed our way.

The only sure thing is that Florida's about to get slammed once again.

The rest of us have a "chance" that we'll get whirlywinds and curly-Q rains and that gives our local weather guy a major weather erection. Finally he's got something to say rather than "Don't go outside unless you're fond of spontaneous combustion."

In case it isn't obvious, I've got the local news in the background as I write this.

I saw a crackhead getting arrested yesterday.

It was actually pretty cool. I was at a new business in town, interviewing them for a story I'm writing and I was leaving, walking out to the parking lot.

A cop car was blocking my car in and I looked over and he had pulled over two women in a little red car.

One woman was screaming that she had "bugs all over her" and removed her shirt while she was screaming.

While I was hoping to spot boobage, alas, she had a tank top on underneath.

And she wasn't really sexy so I wasn't all that enthused about seeing boobage.

Still, it's fun to watch crackheads make asses of themselves in public when their skin is tingling so hard that they think they're covered in bugs.

The cop got the ladies in his car and then drove off with the crackheads in tow.

And then I opened fire on the car, wounding the cop and one of the crackheads.

The cop jumped out of his car and tried to shoot me back, but I was moving like a hyperactive cheetah and he couldn't peg me.

Okay...the whole shooting thing was made up.

I just realized that was one boring fucking story and thought I'd try to spice it up some.

I picked Andrew up from daycare and once again, a teacher had to mouth off about my boy.

"He's soooo smart," she said with a look of concern on her face.

"So smart...that it's scary?" I asked.

"Yes," she said. "He knows way more than he should at this age."

Apparently, Andrew freaked the teacher out by counting beads yesterday.

He got up to 80 beads before he got bored and walked away.

"The other kids have trouble counting to 10," she said. "He just kept counting to 80."

What do you say to something like this?

"Oh...he's gettin' an old fashioned ass whuppin' when he gets home! I'll make sure that boy stops at 5 next time!"

Then she babbled on and on about how Andrew is teaching her Spanish.

At this point, I realized that my 3 year-old son is smarter than his teacher.

THAT'S comforting.

She admitted that he freezes when it comes time to play with the other kids and would much rather hang out with adults than other children.

I just hope he snaps out of this smart phase and starts being dumb again.

I'm tired of him freaking out his teachers.

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