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7:39 a.m. - 2004-09-03


I just lost an entire long entry about my penis.

Well, not exactly my penis. Actually, it had nothing to do with my penis.

But I did just lose a long entry.

Which sucks.

Except for the fact that this entry should get a shitload of disappointed Google hits for "suck my penis".

Soooooo ... I'm thinking about entering an eating contest taking place here next month.

Y'see ... there's this restaurant in the southeast called Krystal that is holding the World Series of Krystal Eating or something like that.

I can eat a Krystal.


Last night, just to satisfy my own curiosity, I stopped at my local Krystal after work to order a few burgers and see how quick I could wolf these gutbusters down.

Try 8 seconds for one burger.

That's stuffing it in my mouth, taking three quick bites and swallowing that greasy bastard mostly whole.

Of course, this morning I feel like there's a small family of swarthy Russian immigrants setting up camp in my tum-tum.

But I think I can take the local title.

The contest is two minutes long. They want to see who can eat the most burgers in two minutes.

I think I could easily do 15 in two minutes.

The only drawback to all this is ... it's just not fucking cool to be a glutton like this.

It's a talent that I'm not exactly proud of.

It's like bragging that you can shit your pants and wallow in it all day without any discomfort.

People just don't care.

And so far, they haven't even said what the World Champion Krystal Eater gets as an award.

I mean ... I want thousands of dollars.

If I go through all this and all I get is a coupon for a free Krystal a month for life, it's not worth rupturing my stomach lining for.

I've been in two other eating contests in my life and won them both.

The first one was a hot dog eating contest. I ate 12 hot dogs in five minutes as a teenager at a company picnic.

I spent the rest of the time at the picnic vomiting.

But hey ... I was puking my guts out with a crisp $20 bill in my wallet!

The second contest was about seven years or so ago.

Mattie Gee and I entered a chili dog eating contest at the state fair.

I basically swallowed the foot-long chili dog whole.

I think we won $100.

...As well as the respect of several horny gay guys standing around, salivating over my swallowing technique.

Anyway, Susie doesn't want me to enter because apparently it's just not very sexy to have a husband who can swallow those greasy square hamburgers whole.

But ya know what?

How sexy is a trip to Chatanooga, Tennessee for the World Championship?


THAT will change her tune, Buster.

We are battening down the hatches for Hurricane Frances.

The weatherguys are still openly wanking it on camera while they are now predicting 50 mph winds on Monday with heavy rain.

I have to admit, I'm kind of excited about the remnants of the hurricane making it here since I love a good storm.

As long as we don't lose power, I'm happy.

If we lose power, I become a cranky bastard.

Happy Labor Day! Hope you like sitting in the dark all freakin' day!

I will be posting live updates throughout the day on Monday, detailing the rain.

It should go something like this:

11:08 AM: Raining.

1:54 PM: Still raining.

4:32 PM: Shit. Still raining.

7:18 PM: Power's flickering on and off. I think it's about to

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Have you read these?

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