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3:35 p.m. - 2004-09-11


I'm sitting here, watching the Weather Channel and the lady on the channel is telling people in Florida to not only brace for Hurricane Ivan, but is telling them how to do so.

"Stock up on batteries and plywood, get a battery-powered radio, have plenty of flashlights..."

I would think that after three hurricanes in a month, the people in Florida have pretty much got the drill down pat by now.

I mean ... there might be one crazy grandma running around her condo wondering how the hell to prepare for the third hurricane in a month.

But that's about it.

I sincerely don't think they need some bleached blonde bimbo in Atlanta reading helpful hurricane hints from a teleprompter anymore. I hate to burst any bubbles here, but I think they've figured it out already, Bambi.

Naturally, our local weather people are once again claiming doom and gloom is coming our way.

I'm not falling for that trick again.

For Charley, we found all the flashlights and put them in one place.

For Frances, we even went out and bought new batteries for the flashlights.

For Ivan, I'm standing out in my front yard in my jockeys, screaming "BRING IT ON, YOU RUSSIAN BITCH!" while waving my flashlight menacingly at the sky.

Of course, this may cause problems with the Russian immigrant family down the street, but that's neither here nor there.

I know I'm a little late on the subject ... but that hostage situation in the Russian school where hundreds of kids were killed?

Remember those terrorists who videotaped portions of the killings, including dragging the bloody carcasses of children past their six year-old friends as they huddled against a gymnasium wall in their underwear, utterly terrified beyond belief?

Well, I think I've finally found a punishment deserving for those terrorists.

I think once they're caught, every 10-15 minutes, somebody should take a straight razor, rip a gash into their flesh about four inches long and then fuck that gash repeatedly with rusty spikes.

This should be done over and over again until there is no flesh left and you're left with just a puddle of internal organs and bloody rusty spikes.

THAT is the only thing I can think of that would be just punishment for those wicked, evil fucks.

I mean sure ... you could keep ramming rusty spikes into their liver and spleen, but at that point, you're probably just wasting your time. Just toss the remains in a garbage bag (preferable Hefty which has the reputation as being a strong garbage bag) and dump the bag of organs in a field where the vultures can feast on them.

I'm so damned proud of myself for coming up with that solution for those bastards.

Because death was just too good for those guys.

Somebody get me that Putin guy on the phone ... he's gonna squeal when he hears this one.

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