THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM

(I know this is all I've been talking about lately, but bear with me ... it's going to be over in a few days.)

So the weather guy is all mopey this morning.

Not because once again he's predicted a hurricane would hit us and it didn't.

Because this time ... he was right.

Yep ... by Thursday at 1 p.m., we should be hit with all sorts of monstrous hellfire, lose all electricity for several days, have 15 inches of rain dumped on us, lose everything that's not tied down and probably lose a few windows as well because I didn't take any of this weather shit seriously and now there's no plywood in the city.

Hurricane Ivan is coming straight for us. The state is under a state of emergency and people three hours away are being evacuated right now.

What's really funny is how the news channels and weather channels have kinda let out a sigh of relief now that the projected path has skipped over south Florida and is heading for Alabama.

"Miami's being spared? Tampa's being spared?? Whew! That was a close one! Who's going to get it? Alafuckinbama?!? HA! It'll probably only do 12 dollars worth of damage in that fucking state! Alright, get Matt and Katie on the line ... we're leading with the Oprah story. We'll cover the hurricane in the 10:00 hour."

Our local weather guy is HILARIOUS now.

The morning news lady is all "Got any good news for us, Bill?" and Bill's all "I wish I did, but I don't. I ... I ... I just don't know what to say" as he lets his head drop to his chest.

Bill is finally at a loss for words.

When the last couple of hurricanes were dancing around the tip of Florida, Bill was wearing party hats and spinning bow ties and acting all drunk and loopy on TV ... "Ze Hurricane is coming! Drink hurricanes! Whooo-hooooo!!! I'm gettin' LAID, BABYYYYY!!!"

Now he's all somber and serious.

And even though we may be without electricity and running water for two weeks, it was worth it to see Bill about to cry on TV.

Speaking of the Oprah story ... if you haven't heard by now, on yesterday's show, she gave the entire audience fully loaded brand new cars.

These were all people that needed cars whose friends and relatives had written letters to Oprah saying things like "My friend needs a car" and "Shit, Opie ... you should see my Mom's piece of shit car."

So they're all in the audience and Oprah picks out 10 lucky people to give them cars.

Everyone claps.

Oprah hands out gift boxes to the audience and says there's a set of keys in one of the gift boxes for one more lucky person.

Everyone opens their envelope and has a set of keys.

I don't give Oprah a lot of shit on this page and I'm glad I don't.

God bless the Ope.

Can I just say that being a mostly unemployed lazy bastard, that I've been fortunate enough to get caught up in this whole KenJen Fever?!?

Naturally, I'm speaking of Ken Jennings, current Jeopardy champion and smartest mofo in the history of the world.

Watching this guy answer questions in the form of a question is electrifying. Kinda like pissing on an electric fence without the painful urination problems afterwards.

If you haven't seen him in action yet, check your local listings and tape an episode or TiVo the shit outta that show.

Do I have a straight guy crush on the nerd?

Yeah.

I think I do.

I've got a dentist appointment this morning to determine if I do in fact have another wisdom tooth pushing its way up through my gum and that's why I'm running around the house, screaming bloody murder with my hands over my mouth.

Or maybe I'm just a collossal puss who can't handle a sensitive tooth.

One or the other.

And I'll know more by noon.

Let's seeeeee .... hmmmmm .... hurricane news ... celebrity news ... teeth news ... I guess that's it for the day.