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7:16 a.m. - 2004-09-23


So last night we had a "Survivor" party.

I know, I know ... you're sitting there, positively dumbfounded, wondering how the heck we could have a "Survivor" party on a Wednesday when "Survivor" isn't on until Thursday.

Well ... I'm not sure if I've mentioned this to you ... but we had a little storm called HURRICANE F'N IVAN come through here last Thursday, knocking out power, causing areas to flood and taking a hefty chunk out of the local crackwhore economy since nobody was out trolling for skank.

So we just got around to watching "Survivor" last night ... all praise to Patty Pat who was kind enough to send me a tape of the show non gratis. Naturally, we all praised Patty Pat for her kindness and deft videotaping skills repeatedly throughout the show.

We had Dennis and Denise's family, the new young couple next door and the couple on the other side of us at the house.

I fixed my world famous "Survivor" buffalo wings which nobody ate because they had already eaten dinner. Hey! More for me, full people!

So we put the tape in and everyone gets a seat.

The show starts.

And right about then, Dennis started asking questions.

"What's his name?" Dennis asked, pointing at the screen.

"I dunno," I replied.

"What are they doing?"

"I dunno."

"Why are they doing that?"

"I dunno."

"Why don't they just kill the natives?"

"I dunno."

This went on for a full 59 minutes.

I think what bugged me the most is that his parents would constantly tell him to go play with the other kids, but he wouldn't budge. He just kept asking his questions over and over again.

Dennis is the most inquisitive kid I've ever met. I've pointed out to him several times in the past that his entire method of conversation revolves around his asking questions nonstop and that he rarely just makes a statement.

But last night, I was so tempted to answer his questions with a sharp elbow to the eye socket.


Finally, the hour was over and I had managed to discover that there were 18 contestants on an island and THAT'S IT.

The guests left, I rewound the tape and Susie and I watched it in peace, sans Dennis' constant questioning.

As God as my witness ... when that kid gets old enough to take a punch and not tell his parents, I'm giving him one ... special delivery.

And then I'm going to babble questions into his face as he lays on the ground.

"Why did I just hit you in the eye? Why did you fall down and crack your skull open afterwards? Why didn't you defend yourself? Why did I tie your hands behind your back before I hit you?"

Whoever thought that Cat Stevens would not only be back in the news, but would be the lead story in the news?

Even if he had died, he wouldn't have been the lead story on "The Today Show".

Instead, he gets kicked off an airplane and he's Top O' The News Gold.

I wonder if Leo Sayer is paying attention.

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