Uncle Bob's Diary O' Chuckles

(D)AMNESTY

There's a silver lining to the dark cloud though. Instead of my brother-in-law bringing her here at 8 a.m., his gay lover (not proven, but the guy is gay and has lived with him off and on for years) will be bringing her "later in the day".

That could be 9 a.m. or 4 p.m. I have no idea.

God bless the gay lover.

Seriously.

Bless his big gay ass.

Here's a riddle I made up yesterday while flipping through channels.

Oh man ... you're gonna LOVE it!

Q: What do you call a guy who turns teds?

Give up??

A: A Ted Turner!!!

BWAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!

(Feel free to use that one at work today. Your co-workers will think you're Rodney Dangerfield reincarnated.)

I sat Susie down yesterday on her day off and forced her to watch both "Fahrenheit 911" and "Saved!"

"Fahrenheit" blew her away. And while she's always voted Republican in the past ... not this time. Sorry, Repubs.

And for those of you who are still slamming the film without seeing it ... quit making yourselves look like asses and rent it.

THEN ... THEN ... THEN go vote for Bush.

And as an extra added bonus for you folks that want to claim the film is all lies and propaganda, if you haven't heard by now, Michael Moore is offering large cash sums of money (I wanna say $100,000 ... it might have been a million ... I'm not good with numbers) to anyone who can prove that there's anything in the movie that's not true.

So get to work, cub reporters!!

"Saved!" is also a great movie if you haven't seen it yet.

Well ... not "Great" as in "The Godfather"-great or like that. But it's a good, entertaining film for the 100 minutes you spend watching it.

I think what surprised me the most is my wife is a Republican who's also a pretty devout Christian ... attending church about nine times a week.

And she liked a movie that bashes Republicans and a movie that pokes fun at religious zealots.

I think she may be breaking the chains after all.

Whatever that means.

Hey, I'm seeing commercials for this new show on ABC that's basically "My So-Called Life" from a guy's point of view ... can't remember the name of the show ... "Life As We Know It" or something like that.

Anyway ... Kelly Osbourne ... daughter of Ozzy ... is one of the stars in it.

Now ... I don't wanna come across as rude here ... but Kelly looks like a warthog with pigtails.

She's about the most physically unappealing woman since the Bearded Lady.

And in these commercials ... guys are drooling all over her.

I'm not sure of the premise of the show ... maybe she's the only female in an all-male school ... I dunno.

But I think the kiss of death to a new TV show is when you have to suspend disbelief to a point where you're forced to believe that a teenage male would want to make out with Kelly Osbourne.

Sorry ABC. While I tossed several million brain cells away over the years, I've still got enough common sense to know that nobody would ever want to slobber over that drizzling poopy.

I'm winning a pretty cool bet right about now.

That potato chip company Lays?

They bet me that I couldn't eat just one of their chips.

Well guess what, Lays??

I ate a chip out of the bag and put the bag back in the cupboard.

HA!!

In your face, Kenneth Lay!!

It's crazy assed betting shit like that which put your other company Enron out of business!!

And I should know because I saw "Fahrenheit 911".

Having watched about every "Blind Date" episode ever filmed and having not had a date with a new person in almost two decades, there's something in society that I just can't wrap my mind around anymore.

And this sounds really dumb.

But ... and God ... I don't even know why I'm typing this, but it's been bugging me every time I watch this show.

Yet, I know it's a common dating practice.

But the whole "Affection at the end of the date" thing.

And I'm not talking El Majoro Screwo either.

I'm talking the kiss goodnight at the end of the night.

I've known women for several years and have never kissed them.

Yet on a date, you spend four hours with a person and you're supposed to cap off the night with some physical contact.

If you think about it ... it's kinda weird.

"Yeah, I barely know you ... but let's kiss."

And I know that not all dates end in physical contact and some people have personal guidelines that they never kiss on the first date.

I guess that I always grew up thinking girls that didn't kiss on the first date were weird.

And now I believe the complete opposite. Girls that DO kiss on the first date are weird.

And girls that sleep with you on the first date are slutty whores.

HA!!

Just kidding!

You girls that sleep on the first date ... keep sleeping with guys on the first date!!

We LOVE that shit!!

(I seriously need to be on some sort of medication.)