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5:05 a.m. - 2004-11-10


I have decided that the majority of nursing homes in my area smell like a combination of feces and shit.

I'm guessing that there's not one living resident left in these homes that has control of their bowels.

They probably DO have control, but figure "What the hell? My family's paying to put me in here. May as well get the most for my money and just shit myself and let someone else wipe the pruned flesh which is my ass."

I guess that's the extent of being treated like royalty when you're old. You pay people to wipe your ass.

I've learned the age-old trick of getting one last good breath outside before throwing open the doors, smiling at all the old ladies asleep in their wheelchairs in the hallways, grabbing their urine samples and hauling ass back to the door before lack of oxygen to the brain causes me to faint.

I could never work in one of those places unless I had my sense of smell disconnected.

And trust me ... cotton balls soaked in ether and shoved up the nose would not do the trick.

I had to watch a video yesterday and take a test afterwards about working in a laboratory setting.

Even though I don't touch any blood or urine or anything, because I work there, there's always a chance that I will "come in contact" with a cup of old lady pee.

Halfway through this video, you watch the proper way to wash your hands.

This tutorial lasted about five minutes.

For five minutes, I had to watch a bad actor wash his hands as if he had been handling nuclear waste.

Nobody has enough time in the day to wash their hands like they were suggesting you wash your hands.

And if you did take the video's advice, you wouldn't get any work done. You'd handle one specimen and then spend the next seven hours and 58 minutes washing your hands.

I understand the importance of washing your hands. Truly, I do.

But they want you to wash your hands after you touch anything.

And jeez ... biting your nails??

That's just eating every germ you've ever come in contact with according to this video.

Sorry video. It's a nervous habit.

I can't stop biting my nails just because you're convinced I'll catch Hepatitis by doing so.

Go scare some other ding-a-ling.

So I'm sitting there last night, eating a bowl of chili with Fritos scoops rather than a spoon and watching "The Biggest Loser".

Word of advice ... don't watch a show where large men strip down to their shorts at the drop of a hat while eating.

The guy with the man boobs took his shirt off just as I was ladling some Cuminy Beefy goodness into my mouth and I about vomited.

I thought I had man boobs.


I just have a large chest.

That guy's got tits that hang halfway down his torso.

I'm so happy that I've had the man boobs issue clarified for me.

I just hate that I was eating while it was done.

Now ... if you'll excuse me ... I have some dried chili I have to wash out of my cleavage.

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