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6:20 a.m. - 2005-01-06


Every once in a while, I like to reach into my vast e-mailbag and pull out a few questions that the peons who read this shit must have answered in order to continue functioning in a semi-normal manner.

Today is one of those days.

If you feel like playing along and answering the questions yourself, do so by responding to each question out loud at your computer. Your co-workers will request you take the rest of the day off if you do it loud enough.

What is the most violent scene you've ever seen in a movie?

Initially, my gut reaction is to say the "Slicing Off The Ear" scene in "Reservoir Dogs". That scene still makes me squirm when I watch it.

But then I remember that I once saw the film "I Spit On Your Grave" which opens with an extremely lengthy and violent rape scene that was extremely hard to watch.

Third place would go to "Pink Flamingoes" when these trailer trash people are having sex and they decide to put a live chicken between their pelvic bones, pretty much smashing up that chicken really good. That whole movie made me sick.

If you could have had one thing that one of your friends has, what would you pick and from whom?

Hmmmm ... this narrows it down a bit because I have no friends.

I'd say I'd want Mattie Gee's ability to play guitar. The bitch can pick up a tune rather quickly and has made a comfortable living for himself doing so. Plus, hot chicks show him their boobies when he plays. I'm not exactly sure if that's related to the actual playing of the guitar or the fact that he mouths the words "Show me your boobies" while he's playing.

If you could personally see one natural phenomenon that you have never seen, what would it be?

What kind of question is this??

Shit. I dunno. How about the Great Wall Of China from overhead? Happy?!?

If you could have the chance to see what has become of one childhood friend, who would you choose to find out about?

Oooooo ... toughie. We'll stick with kids I knew before the age of 12. I'd guess I'd want to know how Patti Hamrick is doing. She was my first true crush in the fifth and sixth grade. We went "out" for about a day before I made a fart joke at her expense. She broke up with me on the spot. It was heartbreaking. If I had never made that joke, I truly think we would have persevered.

Not really. But it'd be nice to know how she's doing.

If you had to nominate the best-dressed person you know, who would it be?

Gah. I dunno. I don't pay much attention to people's clothes ... I'm too busy mentally undressing them.

If you had to name the one thing you envy most about your mate, what would it be?

How lucky she is to have such a great spouse.

Her work ethic and book smarts would come in second and third.

If very good friends were visiting your town, where would you take them to eat if money were no object?

Y'know ... I have no idea because I have zero desire to ever go to fancy, high-priced places. I never feel as if I get my money's worth when I'm paying $40 for a steak.

But I guess I'd say The Olive Room which is a tiny place with overpriced food, snotty employees and a funky decor.

If you could change one thing about your country's history, what would you alter?

I think that slavery has had more negative repercussions than any other thing this country has ever faced. So yeah, I wish there had never been slavery in America.

Second, I would have had those asshole amateur pilots chicken out and stay seated on their grungy asses on 9-11.

If you found out that there is no afterlife in any sense, how would you change your life?

I wouldn't change it much. I'm on the fence about the whole "afterlife" thing anyway. I guess we won't know until we get there ... or don't.

If you had to name the one thing that really makes your day, what would it be?

Picking up my son from daycare. He's had a long day of playing and he's glad to see his Daddy.

If you had to name the one thing that can most readily ruin your day, what would it be?

Simple. Blood instead of urine.

If you discovered a Shakespeare manuscript that no one else had ever seen, what would you do with it?

Grab some White-Out, white-out Shakespeare's name on the front page and scrawl "Uncle Bob" in red crayon in its place.

Actually, I doubt anyone would pay attention to it then. I guess I'd sell it on Ebay.

If you could have back one article of clothing you gave or threw away, what would you want it to be?

I had some pretty nifty 4" platform shoes back in '76. I also had some pretty cool concert t-shirts from the '70s that could be considered vintage today. Maybe my KISS Army shirt. I dunno. Didn't we already cover the fact that I'm not really into fashion?

If you were going to die in ten minutes and could confess only one thing in order to pass with piece of mind, what would you say?

I never found "The Carol Burnett Show" all that funny.

If you had to name a smell that always makes you nostalgic, what would it be?

The smell of freshly cut green peppers remind me of going to my Aunt Rosie's on Saturday nights and making our own pizzas while we watched "Bonanza" as kids.

If you could ruin someone's reputation, whose would it be and how would you do it?

I think a videotape of George W. snorting coke off a male prostitute's ass finding its way onto prime time CNN would make me giggle.

If you had to name the single best deed a stranger has done for you in your lifetime, what would it be?

Letting me merge in front of them in traffic while battling a horrific case of diarrhea.

If you had to repeat the worst thing you've ever said to your mother, what was it?

Another toughie. I pretty much respect my Mom. Getting drunk at my sister's wedding and confessing to my Mom that I have had two threesomes in my life was pretty stupid. Even more stupid because her best friend and sister were sitting at the table at the time I dropped that bomb.

If you could ask the greatest sacrifice imaginable of a friend, what would it be?

"Come fix this flat tire for me while I stand behind you with my arms folded across my chest."

If you had to recall the nicest compliment ever given to you, what would it be?

A drummer in a band I sang with in college once told me that I sounded like Robin Zander from Cheap Trick. That always stuck with me.

Sinbad (the comedian, not the swashbuckling pirate) once told me I was very funny and would go far in the comedy business. He was wrong.

Ray Charles told me that he enjoyed my interview with him and that I asked several questions he had never been asked. I think I popped a woody when he told me that.

If you could ensure one thing about Heaven besides its existence, what would it be?

You guys got cable up there?

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