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7:22 a.m. - 2005-01-21



Late nights and early mornings have no business being partners in crime.

Whatever that means.

Sorry, it just tumbled out of my head like hangover vomit.


So man ... was I ever bummed out yesterday over the stupidest thing.

You might remember when I wrote last month about a job interview that I went on for a job that I didn't want.

After the interview I was desperately trying to think of reasons I could give the people as to why I didn't want to come work for them ... because I was so sure I got the job.

Do you see where this is going??

I get a letter yesterday that read:

"Dear Uncle Bob,

You really fucking kicked ass in that job interview last month. Every answer to every question was exactly what we wanted to hear. It was the most perfect fucking job interview we've ever conducted.

Unfortunately, we had to go with a young black female because the only people we have working here are young black females and you're an old white guy and you really wouldn't have had much to contribute to watercooler conversations about periods and the latest issue of Jet Magazine.

Please don't consider this racism because we certainly can't afford another legal issue facing our department since we've been the lead story in the local nightly news for the last week due to some shady crap being done by our bigwigs.

We certainly hope you've found other employment because you give great fucking interviews.

If not, we really feel like shit.

Not enough to hire you though.


Your Local Housing Authority"

Now then ... the facts.

I have a job.

I'm about to go back to a job that I really enjoyed for eight years.

I didn't even WANT this job.

So why did it bum me out to get this letter???

The only clue I have is that I really thought I did good in the interview and was a shoo-in for the job.

Was I bummed because I didn't get to shoot them down first? Nah. I'm hardly vengeful like that.

It was like ... like ... asking an ugly girl to the prom as a joke so that you can dump pig's blood on her later in the evening only to have her decide to stay home at the last minute with her devoutly religious mother and read scriptures.

Or handing a small handicapped child in a wheelchair several dozen helium-filled balloons in hopes that the balloons will lift the kid out of the chair and way up in the sky so you can point and say "Look at the crazy kid in the sky!" but then the only thing that happens is the kid dislocates his shoulder from trying to hold on to the balloons and everyone calls you an asshole for giving the kid so many balloons at one time while he screams in agony.

Or it's like being cut off in traffic by an old lady who's driving 15 miles below the speed limit so you get right up on her ass and honk your horn and flash your lights and press your middle fingers against your windshield and brandish a butcher knife in hopes that she's checking her rearview mirror and receiving your threats of violence and then when you go to pass her you realize that it's your boss' wife.

Or ... or ... or it's like buying a bag of Fritos ... the Super Size bag ... and happily munching on Frito after Frito without really looking and then munching down on something that doesn't exactly taste like a Frito and you pull the half that you haven't eaten away from your mouth and find out that you've just eaten ... I dunno ... half a hamster or something.

Actually, it's nothing like that.

But you get the point.

Anyway, this news bugged me for several hours afterwards and I have no idea why.

I'm over it now.

But whatta bunch of asshats.

A lot of people at work are convinced that one of the new employees is a terrorist.

The one in question is Susan who I wrote about a while back ... the girl who pronounces her name "Sho-shonn" or some crazy pronounciation that I never bothered to master because I just figured I wouldn't talk to her which is okay because I'm Piss Boy and people aren't exactly clamoring for lengthy conversations with the P.B.

Anyway, she told several people that the FBI are monitoring her phone conversations and that there's always some sort of law enforcement vehicle sitting outside her house watching her and her husband's every move.

They're from some place that starts with "P". I wanna say Palestine but it may have been Pakistan.

Or possibly Peoria.

I don't really remember.

Anyway, she was working in a doctor's office for us ... long story but a lot of our employees work most of their hours in doctors' offices ... and the doctor's office asked to have her removed and transferred to somewhere else because she talks a lot of terrorist shit when she's there.

She's a real pretty woman which has nothing to do with the fact that she could be a terrorist.

I mean ... if I were single and she was willing ... I'd probably do her.

Which ... my standards aren't exactly all that high. I'd fuck a tree stump if there weren't any cameras around.

Still ... this is the latest news at Piss Central.

And even though Bush has given us all the A-OK to stop terrorism at its evil core, I don't think I'll be going in to work today and clocking the shit out of the woman.

Sorry W.

But I need a little bit more proof before I bum rush the woman.

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