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7:15 a.m. - 2005-02-01


Yesterday morning I stroll into the Piss Palace and march right into the boss' office.

"Good morning sir," I said as I bowed gently in his direction because he likes us all to act like we're Japanese. "I regret to inform you that I will be resigning from my post as Medical Specimen Retriever as of February 11th. This will allow you a total of two weeks to replace me."

He stared a hole through me ... somewhere near my left armpit since he's a bit cockeyed and I'm guessing he was trying to stare into my eyes.

"You'll fucking leave this job when I TELL you to leave, Piss Boy!" he barked at me as my left armpit began to burn.

"But I ... I ... I've got a better job offer ..." I stammered.

"A BETTER JOB OFFER?!?" he screamed as he leaped across his desk, landing both feet firmly in my crotch. "WHAT BETTER JOB IS THERE THAN PISS BOY?!?"

I laid semi-comotose on the floor as he crushed my testicles with his boot heels as if they were smoldering cigarette butts.

"Thank you ... sir ... may I ... have ... another?" I managed to groan because that's the rules at the Piss Palace ... when the boss is crushing your nuts, you must ask for more to show him that you're committed to him.

"No more nut-crushing for you!" he yelled as pictures fell off the walls, jarred loose from his vocal chords. "Get up off the floor you rancid piece of turtle shit and start gettin' that piss in here!"

I managed to pull myself up off the floor, bowed once more to him to show my gratitude as he sneered the word "pussy" over and over again and left the office.

I had no idea it'd be this tough to leave the wonderful world of piss.

Actually, I told him, he said thanks for the hard work and asked if I knew anyone that could take my place.

Yeah boss ... I've got a whole list of people in my pocket that wanna rag out their cars for the opportunity to handle piss, blood and shit from old folks all day. Lemme just reach in the ol' back pocket here and ... pull out a big middle finger IN YOUR FACE, BITCH!

Actually, I only mentioned to the people at one doctor's office that I was leaving and one of the nurses has a son that's looking for a job that can work around his schedule at college which mostly takes place after 6 at night, so he'd be perfect for the position.

So maybe there'll be a happy ending to all this ... I get the job I want and I don't leave the boss high and dry.



I've decided that the first thing that appeals to me in a woman is her hair.

And I've also decided what I don't like about a woman's hair.

When a woman with short hair parts her hair on the side ... no.

If I wanted to have sex with a human that somewhat resembles a man, I'd give Richard Simmons a call.

Ladies, if you part your hair on the side of your head, it's time to change that look today.

Pull it straight back, comb it straight down or part it in the middle.

No more parting on the side.


My future erections thank you.

Can I just say how thrilled I am that there's now democracy in Iraq?

I think we're on the verge of seeing a whole new Iraq. No more headdresses for the women, no more old dirty jeeps barrelling down dirt roads in the middle of the desert ... nope.

They've got dem some mighty fine DEMOCRACY now, pardner!

Next stop ... a McDonalds in Baghdad.

Because nothing says "freedom" like a quarter pounder with cheese.

Can you tell that I'm trying to do something else while writing this today?

Yes?? No??

I didn't know if it was obvious or not.

I'm trying to make a mix CD and eat a bowl of Grape Nuts while writing here.

That takes TALENT, junior.

Now if I could just incorporate masturbating with a feather boa in there, I could get a gig on the Howard Stern show.

I suck today and I keep trying to get better, but it ain't workin'.

Therefore, I'm going back to my bowl of Grape Nuts and looping portions of the new Bright Eyes discs for my own amusement.

If you guys wanna be amused ... go read Danger Spouse.

Trust me ... that guy will NEVER let you down when it comes to making you laugh.

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