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6:36 a.m. - 2005-02-14


It's official ... I'm killing the kid that's taking my Piss Boy job.

I might kill him today or wait until tomorrow. I haven't decided yet.

This is a job that should only take one day to master. You drive. You pick up piss. You get back in your car and drive some more. You pick up more piss.

Et fucking cetera.

Martin still hasn't mastered the job.

And the kid is getting more flamboyant by the day ... which is nerve-wracking when you're cooped up in a car with him for most of the day.

Last week he informed that he's never getting married and having children (NO!!) and that he's still technically a virgin.

His mouth isn't though, if you get his drift.

He reminds me of the really gay teacher on "South Park" ... Mr. Garrison? The one with Mr. Hand??

Because he's obviously gay, but he keeps trying to convince me otherwise.

And there was an episode of "South Park" that had Garrison talking about wanting to get him some "poontang" really bad.

That's how this kid comes across.

We made one stop on Friday and I let him go in by himself.

He came back out, plopped the piss in the cooler and said "Do you think I look like Leonardo DiCaprio?"

Honestly ... by Friday I was doing damned near anything I could to not engage him in lengthy conversations because the boy just does not shut up for the entire route.

"Yeah, sorta," I said. "But only during his 'Gilbert Grape' phase."

Naturally, the goofy bastard wasn't even listening for a response because he had a story to tell.

He said that the nurses inside the building just told him that he looked like Leo DiCaprio.

The kid slicks his hair back like Leo in "The Aviator" and wears a black turtleneck with a maroon jacket every single day.

And that's really it. He's got glasses and zits which I haven't seen Leo sporting lately.

So Martin goes on for ten minutes about how he strives to look like Chris Kattan from "A Night At The Roxbury" and doesn't know if he should be insulted or not when a woman tells him he looks like Leo DiCaprio and what did I think would I be offended if someone said I looked like a hot matinee idol or would I appreciate it and run with it and oh God somebody please have sex with me please please please.

It took every ounce of willpower I have to not just keep facing forward and backhand the chatty bastard in the chops while he drove.

Friday afternoon, he couldn't ride with me because he had to go to his other job, so I happened to ask the nurses if they had said he looked like Leo.

They looked at me as if I had just vomited a midget.

"Who? That crazy white boy that's taking your place?" the girl asked and then burst out laughing.

They informed me that they had not said ANYTHING to the guy and that he's "psycho" ... always calling them "sugar" and "honey".

Which ... has already had two doctor's offices calling in to complain to the big boss. Martin is sweeping in these offices and instead of thanking them for handing him piss, he's saying things like "Love youuuuu, honey."

He has managed to rub nearly everyone the wrong way ... from future co-workers to clients.

And he's still training.

And now he's making up stuff so I can compliment his over-inflated ego.

I'm just glad he's my replacement.

Because there's no way in hell I could ever work full time with him.

I watched the Grammys last night for the first time in several years because ... well ... I'm DJing now and knew pretty much all the music that was being "celebrated".

My favorite category has always been the Best New Artist category because it signifies who we SHOULD be hearing from for several years to come.

I say "should" because some of you may remember such Best New Artists as the Starland Vocal Band who had the nasty-assed hit "Afternoon Delight" ... and promptly never released another song again.

How punk. It's like they told the Grammy people "HA! We'll show you! We'll squander our talent and just be one-hit wonders rather than legends in the music biz!"

Anyway, this year's Best New Artist category could have gone many ways.

You had Los Lonely Boys who weren't going to win. That much was a given. They had one hit ... "Heaven" ... last summer and there's been no follow-up hit.

Plus ... I dubbed them with a new nickname last night ... Los Homely Boys.

...Because they're so ugly.


Seriously ... it's the little things that make life worth living and for me to laugh and point at my TV screen and yell "LOS HOMELY BOYS! LOS HOMELY BOYS!" over and over again ... that's about as little as it gets.

Then you have Gretchen Wilson ... the redneck woman.

If you look REEEEEEAL closely ... Gretchen has a mustache.

It's practically invisible to the naked eye ... but there's some heavy makeup on that upper lip and if the lights hit her just the right way, she looks like Groucho Marx.

Grammy rule of thumb ... if the chick has a 'stache, she's not going to be around long in the music biz.

Kayne West was the logical choice here, but he's been in the music business for a while and was up for so many other awards that if he won everything else, the Grammys would look kind of foolish saying "And he's new too!" Nobody wants to step out on a limb and award a new guy a bunch of trophies and then have to keep their fingers crossed that his next album is just as good.

Joss Stone?? She's 17. Got news for you, Joss ... you should have waited to enter the pop world until you were at least 21. Teen Queens aren't exactly taken seriously by fickle fans.

Take Debbie Gibson for example. She was 17 or so when she had her slew of hits in the late 80s.

Where is Debbie now?

Check out this month's Playboy ... I got mine in the mail on Saturday.

That's where you'll find Debbie and her ... hmmmm ... "less-than-Playboy-material" body.

That left Maroon 5 who won the award.

Maroon 5 had two decent-sized hits this year, but the lead singer's voice is grating. It sounds ... broken. Like he broke his voice and this is the best he can muster.

I dunno.

I wrote all that shit just so I could toss out my "Los Homely Boys" joke and have no real opinion on the artists one way or the other.

I'm so pathetic.

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