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5:53 a.m. - 2005-02-16



So my last day as Piss Boy was yesterday and by God ... I'm going to miss those people.

One of the nurses got up at 5 a.m. yesterday to bake me a cake that she decorated. It said "Best Wishes Uncle Bob. We'll Miss You."


I was only there for three months.

I bet if I had hung in there for a year, they would have ponied up for a teenage Korean hooker.

I tried to think back to a job that ever did that for me and I honestly can't remember a job EVER doing that.

(Baking me a cake ... not the teenage hooker thing. I got a teenage hooker as a goodbye gift from a telemarketing job back in '87.)

Then again, I usually either get fired or quit with a moment's notice.

I also got balloons which was nice. And they bought my lunch which ... they ordered in Chinese and I got Sweet and Sour Chicken which they paid for. I mean ... $3.85. It's not like they broke the bank on me. But it's the thought that counts.

Oh ... a bank in New Jersey did something for me when I left there, but I can't really remember what it was.

I think they had a cake with "Hey How Ya Doin'?" printed on it because that was my greeting of choice and they thought it was soooo southern because in New Jersey they tend to greet each other with "What the fuck are YOU lookin' at?"

Ahhhh ... I miss New Jersey sometimes.

Usually when my sinuses are stuffed.

At any rate ... it was very sweet what my now former co-workers did.

The non-sweet part of it all was I still had to ride around with Martin for a few hours in order to get the cake, balloons and free lunch (which was $3.85 if you're counting thoughts).

It was kinda funny ... we were all in the break room for about ten minutes eating lunch when Martin comes in from his route. The conversation at that moment was centered around one of the nurse's kids.

Martin IMMEDIATELY interupts the girl's story and starts babbling about the route which ... let's be honest ... isn't all that exciting.

But he just. Doesn't. Shut. Up.

He's talking about one doctor's office which was closed. Locked up. Lights off. Nobody there. Closed.

Naturally he's waving his arms all over the place because he's such a goddamned drama queen and can't even say "hello" without making a production of it.

Slowly, everyone gets up and walks out of the room while he's chattering about the route, leaving Martin and I alone.

Did he ruin my farewell lunch?

I won't go that far. But he certainly put a damper on it because ... everything is all about Martin.

While we were out driving around, he mentioned that he wasn't "feeling the love" from the people at work.

The people at work are already sick of him because he's ... well ... he's just really exhausting to be around. He talks constantly and it's all about him.

Granted, he's young and one of seven kids so he's fighting for attention at home and the kid that talks the most gets the most attention in his mind.

So anyway, I tried to give him some advice.

I explained that he was "New Boy" at the job.

Everyone else knows each other and has worked with each other for at least a year.

And when you come in there and demand attention constantly like he does, it sort of rocks the social boat.

He asked what he could do to change things.

I told him that he might want to consider killing himself.

Actually, I told him to just be as quiet as possible and let the other employees come to him rather than forcing his way into their clique. I explained that it normally takes time for people to get to know each other and ... like dogs ... they have to sniff his butt a little first before they decide if they like him or not.

So let them sniff your butt when they're ready for some butt-sniffing ... don't go shoving your nose up their asses repeatedly in a jackhammer-like fashion because they'll only run away yelping.

I think he got it.

Actually, I don't care if he got it or not.

Because the world of Piss Boy is behind me now.

And today I strut confidently back into the world of Drunk-Assedom.

This is going to be weird because ... like I've said here before ... I've never went back to a job.

I'm not nervous about it. There's a few new salespeople there and a new graphic designer guy. But everyone else is the same as when I left there.

It'll be cool getting back into the community and seeing old acquaintances that I haven't seen in the last four years.

And most importantly, I'll get a little self-respect back.

Because being a 43 year-old Piss Boy isn't exactly every guy's dream.

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