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4:41 a.m. - 2005-03-10


I work with this ... religious woman named Jill.

She and I have been buddies for years. I respect her beliefs and always do my best to not curse around her or get too wild.

So yesterday she and I are the only ones at the office and she's telling me about some skit she was putting on for the youth of the church.

She was going to do a rap and do a "magic" trick where she poured water into a pitcher that had a photo of a cute little kid on one side and when the water was poured, she'd turn the pitcher around so that a picture of Napoleon Dynamite was on the other side. This was to signify that we all start out ascute kids but everyone goes through an awkward adolescence.

So she has a picture of Napoleon, but couldn't find a picture of a cute kid.

We get on the computer and I take her to the Google Images Search in order to find a cute kid.

First we searched for "cute kid".

There was nothing there that she liked.

"How about 'Cute Elementary School Kid'?" she asked.

I did a search for that. Nothing she wanted.

We did a variety of searches and couldn't find anything that appealed to her.

"What exactly do you want this photo to say?" I asked.

"I just want a teenager who looks sweet and innocent," she said.

So I did a search for "Innocent Teen".

And ... well ... not a smart move.

The first photo that came up was a young girl with a penis placed on her cheek.

The next photo had her lying on a bed showing off her uterus.

"Holy shit!" I said.

"Oh my gosh!" Jill (who I've never cursed in front of) said. "Make it go away ... MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!"

For some reason, I was so flustered that I couldn't make this go away fast enough.

I missed the "Back" button and kept hitting the "Forward" button.

"OHMIGOSH! OHMIGOSH!" Jill kept yelling.

Finally I just shut the window down completely.

We both just kind of sat there in silence for a second. I was waiting for her to suggest that we prayed about this.

"Let's ... uhhhh ... let's pretend that never happened," I said.

"Oh my gosh," she said with her hands over her face. "Oh my gosh oh my gosh."

But ... y'know ... I searched for the same thing at home just now and while some of the photos were a bit risque ... it wasn't the same photos that we were blasted with.

Which ... sitting here alone in my office ... is a shame.

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