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6:18 a.m. - 2005-03-31


So I get this call yesterday from my agent and ... oh ... that's right ... you don't HAVE an agent so you have no idea what I'm talking about because I have an agent and I can say things like "Talk to my agent" whenever anyone asks me a question I don't feel like answering like "Is it just my imagination or is your penis getting smaller with age?"

You know ... things like that.

So anyway ... the agent calls, asks if I'm available to do a party at a local college which will be like an outdoor spring thing in a few weeks and I'm all "Duh ... YEAH!" because I never turn down a party and he says "It only pays $500 for three hours" and I'm all "Well shit, agent ... YOU'RE FIRED!" until I realize that 500 divided by 3 is $166.666666666666666667 (thank you, Mr. Calculator) and then I realize that Zee Piss Boy is indeed moving on up. To the East side. I finally got a piece of the pie.

So that's good ... right?

So I tell Drunk Assed Jamie that we're going to lunch.

Drunk Assed Jamie slammed the bottle of Jack Daniels down on his desk, wiped his mouth on his sleeve and slurred "Let's go, bitch".

So we go to a local Mexican restaurant where they serve things like tacos and burritos and fajitas.

And my cell phone rings.

It's my wife.

And she's screaming.


"What's wrong," I say through a mouthful of chips which is something Mexicans feel every meal should start with.

"I just met with our tax lady slash accountant person," she says.

My heart sunk.

"And...?" I said quietly.

"We're getting over $4,162 back!" she squealed.

Which is good, considering I've been saving money for the last couple of months to pay taxes with.

I have put $1,100 aside for that.

So in about a half hour period, we made over $5,700.

To celebrate, I bought Jamie's lunch.

Which he mostly vomited up anyway.

Because buying an alcoholic a burrito or two didn't seem like a proper way of celebrating, we stopped at Best Buy so I could spend a little money.

Very little money really.

I bought the new Beck CD, but I got the deluxe package with the surround sound DVD version of the disc.

And I bought the new AC/DC DVD which is a career retrospective.

I only bought the AC/DC thing because they had it for $9.99 and it's a 2 DVD set.

I figured that was a pretty good bargain.

I couldn't figure out why it was such a bargain.

Then I got home and started watching it.

Let's just say that AC/DC isn't the most ... interesting band to watch.

The first lead singer, Bon Scott, his schtick was to try and convince you he was the devil. That's all he does ... make leering faces at the camera.

The second lead singer, Brian Johnson, sings everything like his balls are being swallowed by a python.

The only band member with any personality is Angus Young who dresses like an Australian schoolboy through most of the videos.

And where I used to think Angus was quite the showman as a teenager, the videos point out the painfully obvious: Angus had one move in his repertoire.

Stomp left foot two times.

Stomp right foot two times.


And give that neck a serious workout while you're doing it.

That's it.

Oh sure ... every now and then throw in a Chuck Berry duckwalk while you grin like an idiot.

But that's it.

Two and a half hours of this.

No wonder it was $9.99.

After a day like that, I went to bed at 10 p.m. and fell asleep quickly.

At 11:02 p.m. a bolt of lightning illuminated the bedroom followed by a clap of thunder that sounded as if it was right outside our house.

I shot upright out of the bed and arose to see what all the clatter was about.

Lightning just KEPT coming ... the whole house was lit up from the lightning.

And then ... the hail.

The hail kept coming for about five minutes which doesn't sound like much ... but when it sounds like God's dumping his never-ending toolbox on your roof, it gets unnerving. You start worrying about things like windows and roof damage.

And because my camera was in the van, once again I could only videotape the mess.

We literally had a patio and yard covered in hail. In some places it was DEEP.

The weather guys are saying we're getting another round of bad weather in 30 minutes.


I'm going out to get my camera and see if there's any damage to the car.

Love ya.

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