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6:31 a.m. - 2005-04-05


I ordered over a thousand dollars worth of lights for my DJ business last week.

Up until now, I've done these parties with no lights which ... is really unprofessional.

But in my defense ... my experience with men is ... the darker it is, the more apt they are to dance.

Men HATE dancing in the spotlight unless they're gay.

And even then, they'd rather be sucking a furry testicle than dancing.

HA! That was for all my gay friends who read this! Hi gay friends!!!

Anyway, now I'm officially going to be the shiznit with my state of the art light show.

I've even got laser beams! Honest to God laser beams that'll burn your fucking eyes out if you look at them! How cool is that?!?

I mean ... logically I could throw a party where everyone's running around in circles as they try to shove their melted eyeballs back into their eye sockets while screaming bloody murder!!


Welcome to the world of sightlessness, kids! Here's the latest from Snoop Dogg!!

I also got a fog machine which ... I've got to admit ... I can get a little obnoxious with a fog machine.

One Halloween back in my club days, I convinced my co-workers and managers that we should build a "cave" on the dance floor for people to dance in.

So we went out and bought all this vinyl sheeting which was like garbage bag material and worked all day constructing a cave with walls from the ceiling to the floor for people to dance in.

Then we cut small holes in the walls so that light from the dance floor would shine through the holes, creating a cool effect.

But I had an even bigger plan.

I went through TWO GALLONS of fog juice that night as I pumped enough fog in that cave to cover New England.

The people fucking HATED me.

Apparently, if you have contacts, this fog really fucks with your eyes. Dries them out and then your contacts get brittle and start stabbing you in the eyes.

(As you can tell, as a DJ my main goal is to blind yo' ass)

That cave was still cool in my book. Smoke was pouring out of the holes all night and if you did try to go in there and dance, you couldn't see your partner because it was a thick fog all night.

I'm pretty sure that's when management took the fog machine out of my booth permanently.

Anyway, I'll be a bit less obnoxious with the fog because ... I'm paying for the fog juice now.

And it's like $25 a gallon.

So there'll be just enough fog to make the lasers look cool and that's it.

Fuck you, people.

You're not paying me enough to blind you.

I know it sounds cheesy, but I got a bubble machine too.

Mainly because I've talked to the brides of the weddings I have coming up and asked them if they'd like to be surrounded in bubbles as they danced their first dance as husband and wife.

Think about it ... it'd look great in pictures and videos.

Every one of them were excited to be dancing in bubbles.

The grooms ... not so much.

I think they'd rather be sucking a furry testicle than dancing in bubbles.

But weddings are all about the bride, baby.

And if you have to dance around in horse shit, you're going to do it.

Or you're not getting laid that night, buster.

Trust me.

The bubbles won't kill you.

Sperm backup will.

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