RANDOMANIA!!

I had to check my pulse to make sure I hadn't died and gone to Heaven.

As many of you know, I am a wannabe grillmaster.

There's a few things I think I grill that are pretty tasty.

My cajun ribs are good. As are my Italian hamburgers.

But this ain't about me. This is about me eating a shitload of grilled steaks, chicken, burgers and whatever else people throw on a grill.

My karma says I'll die of a heart attack while I'm driving to the contest.

But I'm still mucho excited.

Even if this does send my fat ass to the hospital or morgue.

So you'd probably be shocked to learn that I spent $150 on Karaoke yesterday.

Here's the way I look at it ... I just spent $150 on new music (I ordered #7,8,9) because I want the customers to start singing NEW SONGS that I can eventually get tired of.

Because honestly ... if I hear one more group of drunken Air Force guys scream out Billy Joel's "Piano Man", somebody's getting poked with a shiv.

Repeatedly.

I was just complaining about how I never get much sleep, averaging about 4-5 hours a night.

She reached in her purse, pulled out a pill bottle, shook a pill in my hand and told me to take it before bed.

I've never taken Xanax before.

I am now thoroughly convinced without a doubt that Xanax is my new best friend.

I took it at 8:00 and hung in there until about 9:30.

It mellowed me out so much. I didn't even mind when Andrew accidentally kneed me in the balls as he climbed up me for a hug and a kiss goodnight.

I was all "Oh wow. My balls just got assaulted. No big whoop."

I remember waking up at 11:17, 2:28, 4:14 and then finally at 5:26.

That's good for me.

Usually you could double or even triple those figures.

I need to see what all the symptoms you need to be suffering from before you can get a Xanax prescription and then go to the doctor and reel them off.

But my doctor isn't the type of doctor who'll scribble out a prescription just to get me out of his office.

Nope.

He'll want to jam a finger up my ass first.

"Doc, I'm not sleeping at night and need something to really mellow my ass out before I go to sleep."

"ASS?!? DID SOMEONE SAY ASS?!? Take down those pants ... let's go spelunking in your colon!!"

Dammit.

Why couldn't I have picked out a crooked family doctor?

Maybe Xanax isn't as cool as I thought it was.

In fact, it might behoove me to go back to bed.

Because I'm getting really ... really ... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.