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6:07 a.m. - 2005-04-13


I was at Walmart the other day because I can never get enough of that funky, funky stuff and as I was leaving, two frat boys accosted me.

"We're collecting money for Holly Roberts," one of them said. "She's got vaginal cancer."

He flashed a quick sheet of paper with a picture of a girl on it with the words "HOLLY ROBERTS HAS VAGINAL CANCER" written in magic marker on it.

"Would you like to buy a bag of peanuts and contribute to the fund?" he finished.

I was kinda sorta taken aback because all I wanted to do was get to my car, not discuss vaginal cancer over a bag of peanuts with a stranger while he takes my money.

I fished a $5 and a $1 out of my pocket, fully intending on giving him the $5 but he snatched the $1, shoved a bag of peanuts in my chest and moved on to the next sap.

As I walked to the car, I started to question what these two guys were doing.

Fortunately, I did the questioning in my head and not out loud. The last thing I need is for people to see me wandering around the Walmart parking lot with a blank stare on my face, muttering "Does this chick REALLY have vaginal cancer?"

Anyway ... here's what I came up with.

And this isn't because I think everyone in the world is basically a creep. So bear with me.

What young woman would want two of her friends to stand in front of Walmart on a busy Saturday afternoon and tell everyone that walked through the doors that she had vaginal cancer?

I can understand lung cancer, skin cancer ... even ovarian and colon cancer.

But who would want their photo and name being tossed about to thousands of people with the words "VAGINAL CANCER" written underneath them?

My guess?

Not many ladies would welcome that.

Nobody wants to walk into Outback Steakhouse for a steak dinner and have everyone turn and whisper "That's the girl with the cancerous poontang!" and then stare at her all night while she tried to eat.

Therefore, I'm beginning to think it was a joke.

A prank.

A vicious way of getting back at an ex-girlfriend.

What better way to do it?

Stand in front of one of the busiest stores on the busiest days of the week and show people photos, mention her name, have her name written in big block letters and tell everyone she has vaginal cancer and that by helping her, you get a bag of moldy peanuts.

That aren't even salted.

Call me a skeptic, but I think I was a victim of a ruse by two drunken party boys.

And if not ... sorry 'bout the poon, Holly.

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