THANK YOU FOR A FUNKY TIME ... CALL ME UP WHENEVER YOU WANNA GRIND

For weeks I've been bragging that I never get sick anymore because I obsessively wash my hands several times a day.

This while everyone around me was sneezing and coughing and puking and shitting and soaking up the pus that was pouring from their eyes on their sleeves.

(Yes, the black plague has apparently made it to my wonderful little city. We can't get a Hooters, but we welcome the plague with open arms.)

But after being out in 39 degree temperatures the other night for several hours and shaking hands with dozens of frat boys, Uncle Bob got a sinus infection.

I woke up at 12:15 this morning because I could no longer breathe.

So ... rather than dying, I woke up.

Now, I'm the guy who reaches for a bottle of Dristan everytime his sinuses get all stuffy. I swear by the crap. Of course, then you get addicted to it and have to wean yourself off of it over the course of several months ... but it's the only thing that opens up my sinuses.

But I had just shot some Dristan up into the nasal cavity three hours earlier and you're only supposed to use it every 12 hours.

If you use it more than that, your sinuses will hemmorage and you'll soak your bed sheets in so much blood it's like you've agreed to let Freddy Krueger do you up the ass.

So I rolled over to my left side to get my sinuses to drain from the right side of my head into my left.

Once they started draining, I tried to strike an equal balance by laying on my back and then ... well ... snorting really loud in order to .... ummmmm ... swallow the mucus.

Because I believe that if all the snot goes to your tummy instead of your sinuses, then you win. You beat the snot at its own game.

Yes. I'm 43 years old and still believe that eventually this tactic will work in clearing my head.

Guess what? It doesn't.

It must have worked at least once in my life or I still wouldn't be trying it today.

So I laid in bed for three hours, watching VH1's Insomniac Music Theatre, read the latest Rolling Stone (gotta get the new Springsteen CD today!!) tried to decide what all I needed to do at work today and then then then FINALLY got up and came in here to surf the web and update this beeyotch.

I figured sitting up and staring at a computer monitor in the dark would make me sleepy.

Guess what? It hasn't.

Well, it has, kinda.

Because I'm tired of writing this.