CLEARING UP THE CONFUSION

...I witnessed a violent attack of one neighbor on another which may have brought on one of the neighbor's death, but we're not sure yet and won't know fully until today because the wounded neighbor went back into their house and hasn't came back out yet.

Sooooo ... I suppose now you want the backstory , huh?

I can now report that neither neighbor is dead, but one is seriously on the verge of death.

It all started at our neighbor's fence. My whole family was out there, the recently separated neighbor and her two year-old daughter were out there as were our neighbors who are expecting their first child in just a few weeks.

Those neighbors have a dog while the separated woman has a cat.

The cat was lounging in our yard.

The daddy-to-be opened the gate to his fence.

His dog tore out of the backyard and into our yard, grabbing the cat in his mouth before the cat could say "What the fuck is this shit??"

The dog took off with the cat in his mouth, while the cat's owner screamed in terror.

Then everyone started screaming as if someone had held a gun to their heads and said they were going to force them to watch a Corey Feldman movie marathon without "Stand By Me" in the mix.

Somehow, the cat managed to escape from the dog's muscular jaws and disappeared.

Naturally the women are all crying as they're screaming for the cat by name to no avail.

Just as us guys had said "Guess the ol' cat's stiff somewhere by now", the cat crawled down out of the engine of a truck and zoomed over to its house, jumping over the fence into the back yard.

After a visit to the vet yesterday, it was determined that nothing was wrong with the cat.

But the expecting parents said that they're seriously thinking about putting their dog down because it's just too rowdy and with a new baby in their family, they're a bit nervous.

I'm trying to talk them into giving the dog to a family member or something.

We'll see.

Anyway ... there.

The violent attack of one neighbor on another neighbor.

I don't lie, dammit.

I'd say having the transmission go out on your vehicle would qualify for that type of statement.

Every penny I've saved (and more) are going towards a new transmission.

HOPEFULLY, the van will be ready for pickup today since it's been in the shop for a week now.

Once again ... we'll see.

Luckily, we've got the money to pay for it.

But that money was already marked for a new DVD recorder and other assorted cool electronic thingies for me.

Dammit.

I hate transmissions.

Yes, my kid takes gymnastics. It was Susie's idea. I didn't have much say in the matter, believe me.

But I do now.

We get there and Andrew is the only boy in the class.

And I am mortified.

All the little girls could do their thing on the bars and do twists in the air and somersaults and all that shit.

Andrew pulled off two somersaults in a row and that was his limit.

After the show, Susie and I got into a heated discussion over me wanting to pull him out of gymnastics and her wanting him to stay.

My argument was that we're paying $30 a month for four half-hour sessions and have been doing so for a year. And the only thing he can do is two somersaults which is something I probably could have taught him myself if I'd put the bag of chips down and get on the floor and play with the kid.

Her argument was that he likes gymnastics.

My next point was that I thought maybe we should try getting him involved with something a little more male-oriented.

She asked what I meant by that and I said that Andrew's leotard was really hugging his scrotum and he was the only kid in class who wasn't brazenly flashing a camel toe and maybe he'd enjoy something like T-Ball instead.

The discussion ended there.

Last night Susie asked Andrew if he liked gymnastics and he said "Sure".

I asked him if he liked being bitten by dogs and he said "Sure".

The kid says "Sure" to everything.

So we're still debating the kid's future in gymnastics.

I guess this is what I get for marrying a former fag hag.