SUNSHINE ON MY SHOULDERS MAKES ME DELIRIOUS

So yesterday morning I get up, look out the window and say out loud "I'm going to do yard work today!"

Apparently I said it TOO out loud because it woke the rest of the family up and had Andrew in tears, terrified that a plane had crashed into the house.

I really need to start monitoring my tone of voice.

Yeah. So anyway, at 8:30 a.m. I begin edging our sidewalk and driveway.

By 9:30, I start weed-eating all around the house and fence.

By 11:00, I'm ready to start mowing.

By 12:45, I'm on the verge of death.

Y'see ... it's mid-August in Alabama and you don't stay outside for more than four hours for ANYTHING.

Susie and Andrew pull up in the driveway in our new/used Schmaddafadda and Susie sees me standing in the opening of the garage about to pass out.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

I was suffering from heat exhaustion.

I tried to say "I'm dizzy, lightheaded, can't catch my breath and see no problem with voting Republican. I think I need medical attention."

But what came out was a breathy "No".

She asked if I had been outside this entire time and while I wanted to say "Yes", I couldn't catch my breath long enough to emit such a lengthy monologue.

So I collapsed in a crumpled heap in the driveway in an effort to answer her.

After throwing me in a wheelbarrow and plopping me in a cold shower, I fought to wash myself as quickly as possible so I could collapse on the nearest soft piece of furniture.

I chose the bed which ... just my luck ... was spinning out of control.

It took about 30 minutes for me to catch my breath and force the bed to stop rotating at aerodynamic speeds.

It took 30 more minutes to realize that I had the mother of all sunburns on my entire head and a heat rash from Hell on my nut sack.

This morning I'm walking around like I have a light bulb in my shorts and I'm trying not to break it while my neck is a deep shade of purple.

Not red.

PURPLE.

And while I may be in horrible pain from my head to my toes, one good thing came from this.

I have finally convinced the Mrs. that we really need a riding lawn mower to mow this half acre of lawn.

Which means I finally get to be one of those guys who wears a straw hat and cruises around his yard with a bloody Mary in one hand and a steering wheel in the other while my yard gets mowed.

It's about freakin' time.

I'm just glad I didn't have to die to get my point across.

I did five nights of parties this past week.

From Wednesday through Sunday, I did a party each night.

And if you're thinking "Jeez, I sure bet Uncle Bob is tired!" I need to jump right out of this computer monitor of yours and slap you silly.

Hell yes, I'm tired!!

I'm so tired, I ... I ... I ....

There you go.

I'm so tired, I can't think of a stupid analogy to relay how tired I am.

Now THAT'S tired, Chico!

It's time for breakfast, my favorite meal of the day.

By the way, I've dropped five pounds in two weeks.

Yes, I'm already being mistaken for an anorexic rock star on the streets.

I may be svelte ... but I am TIRED.

Goodnight.

I mean ... see ya.

See??

TIRED!!