POINTLESS STORIES THAT WON'T AFFECT YOUR LIFE ONE WAY OR THE OTHER

This week is going to be pure hell with sprinkles on top.

I am working day and night Monday-Friday, with most days going straight from one job to the next.

Tuesday and Thursday I should get about two hours off between gigs if everything goes smoothly.

Tonight I have a party for the tourism industry being thrown by some of my old co-workers which will be super cool because I love these people and it'll be good to see them again.

Tomorrow night is a graduation party for some military folk.

Wednesday night is some doctor's convention with doctors from all across the south wanting to put their fingers in my butt while I play music because all doctors have a hankering for probing my patootie.

Thursday, KARAOKEEEEEEE NIGHT!

And Friday, regular club night.

The sad part is ... I'm already tired.

I have no idea how I'll feel on Saturday.

Wait.

Yes I do.

TIIIIIIIIIREEEEEEEED.

I've never been a solitaire kind of guy when sitting at the computer because ... let's face it ... there's always a new midget porn site out there somewhere, right?

So Andrew's all "Let's play cards on the computer!" and I'm all "Huh?" and he's all "Let's play cards on the computer!" and I'm all "Whatever."

(Sorry ... I caught a few minutes of "Clueless" on cable last night.)

So we sit down and he's saying "You put the four on the five and the five on the six" and showing me how to play Spider Solitaire while moving all these cards around.

He started really getting into computer games in the last month since we got the new computer.

And now that we have two functioning computers in the house, he goes back and forth from the office to the kitchen playing games on both computers while the wife and I get pushed aside.

I'm just amazed at how quickly he learned to use the mouse. For the longest time he couldn't get a handle on it and then all of a sudden he's whipping the cursor around at lightning speeds and stopping on a dime while Winnie the Pooh and Mickey Mouse's heads are spinning.

Speaking of Mickey ... the kid has REALLY started getting into old time Disney stuff.

For the longest time it was Pixar and Shrek and all the computer junk.

But now he's on a big Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, Goofy kick.

Which finally gives me the opportunity to bust out my Donald Duck impersonations.

Sadly, the only thing I can say in Donald Duck's voice is "You stupid sonofabitch".

Which Susie really frowns upon me saying around the kid constantly.

Donald Duck impersonations aren't the easiest thing in the world to master, lemme tell ya.

It took me 30 years to get that one down.

Now I've gotta work another 30 years to say "Hello Andrew".

Christ.

He'll be in his 40s before I'll get around to figuring that one out.

He got a computer about a year ago and now I've become his tech support.

Sadly ... I know less about the intricasies of computers than most five year-olds.

He was trying to burn a CD of illegally obtained MP3s and a window kept popping up saying that the computer couldn'r recognize a CD burner on his computer.

And this wasn't right because he's burned hundreds of CDs in the last year, making them for everyone he knows because he hasn't figured out that everyone has CD burners now and most people are probably just smiling politely, taking the CDs and then throwing them in the trash when he turns his back.

Now ... I have no idea how to help him in this situation. He's 400 miles away. It's not like I can pop over and say "Here ya go, Pops. It's all fixed."

Even if I was right across the street, I dunno how to get his computer to recognize the CD Burner.

I'd probably just stand there and say "You better RECOGNIZE!" as I wagged my finger at it and rotated my head around in a stiff circle.

So I talked him through uninstalling and then reinstalling his program that he burns CDs on.

That took 30 minutes.

And in the end ... now he can't get the program to open up.

I felt bad as I said "That's all I can do for ya, Dad" and said goodbye.

I really hope he figures out.

I'm such a bad kid.

Note I use the word "lived".

Yep.

She lost everything in the hurricane.

Home, possessions ... the building she worked in is gone so she lost her job.

I have no idea where she's at but I'm guessing she's with her parents in Nashville.

I haven't talked to her in 23 years.

And we didn't really have the world's nicest breakup.

I'd send her a card and personal check but like I said ... I have no idea where she's at and her parents hated me by the time we broke up.

They weren't really all that keen on finding me in their daughter's bedroom at 3 in the morning. It wasn't my fault though ... the girl got addicted to the sweet sweet pounding of my love hammer.

What's a 19 year-old supposed to do?

Anyway ... if I send a card to their house, chances are good they'll just tear it up and throw it away.

Maybe not.

I mean ... I've moved on and terrorized dozens of other women with the love hammer since then.

Hopefully they've gotten over it.

If not, I'm out a couple of bucks for a Hallmark card.

And last I checked, they were all out of the "Sorry You Lost Everything In A Hurricane" cards.

She had bought a house and was still unpacking boxes when the hurricane came.

Now she has nothing.

She moved from her safe haven in south Illinois to New Orleans and in the span of two months lost everything she'd worked her whole life for.

So hey ... sorry if this hurricane has affected me a little worse than any other global storm.