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5:43 a.m. - 2005-09-20


If you're like me, there's one question that's been plaguing you for several decades now.

It's the one curiosity that cannot be satisfied because there's no easy answer to be sought.

The question is a simple one.

"Do your pubes turn gray when you get old?"

Let's face it ... there's no easy way to ask this question in real life.

If you're a particularly ballsy lad, you could wait until the entire family is gathered around the Thanksgiving dinner table after a feast of enormous magnitude.

And while the kids sit at the scattered card tables in their Sunday best and everyone compliments Grandma on her cooking prowess, you could let your voice rise above the din and say "Hey Grandma! Why don't you hop up on the table, yank that mumu up and show everyone that spider web of a pube bush you got under there!"

I mean ... that's one way of finding out if the carpet begins to fade with age.

Or, I guess if you know a doctor or gynecologist and you get him drunk enough, you can say "Hey doc ... fill me in here ... God, I'm so drunk right now ... hey ... okay, I'm being serious now ... here goes ... man, I'm drunk ... okay ... do old people's pubes turn gray?"

Not that I've tried it, but I guess you could Google "Senior Citizen Porn" and find out if all the color drains from all the hair on your body.

The thing is ... I don't WANT to see a 70 year-old coochie.

I'm sure eventually in time I'll have to stare at the Mrs's elongated vaginal cavity and then my curiosity will finally be satisfied.

But I just want to know.


So ... if you're like me ... this has been bothering you for a while too.

Well guess what??

I have the answer to this burning question.

Yes ... today, you will finally learn if your pubes will be graying as you get up in life.

The answer?




Yes, your pubic hair will turn gray in time.

And don't say "Mine won't because I don't have any because I shave it all off!"

That may be fine and good when you're 21 and your boyfriend talked you into doing it because all the girls in porn are doing it and you think it's all cute and all, but when you're 40, you start finding better things to do with your time than lopping off the poonie hair every couple of days. And by the time you're 60 you can't even fathom ever doing such a thing in your past as your pubes creep up to your belly button and beyond.

So there, punk.

Sunday morning I was getting out of the shower while Susie was standing in front of the mirror, doing whatever the hell it is she does in front of the mirror on Sunday mornings.

I'm drying off and she turns around.

"My God," she says. "The hair on your balls is gray!"

I'm all nonchalant about it as I look down, cup my balls and pull them to the forefront of El Penisante.

Sure as shit.

Zee balls are now sporting long gray hairs.

"Wow," I said. "I'll be darned."

I finished drying off and casually walked out of the bathroom into the bedroom.

...Where I commenced to freak the freak out.

Finally, the answer to my burning question had been delivered by God hisself.

Yes Virginia ... there IS a gray pube on your poontang.

The knowledge is now two days old in my head and it's all I can think about.

I haven't stared at my balls this much since I was three.

I'm neither happy or sad that my pubes are turning gray.

I'm just ... satisfied.

Kind of like when you're craving chocolate and you've looked all over the house and as a last resort you pull everything out of the freezer and you find a half-eaten pint of Ben and Jerry's Chubby Hubby that's been in there a while and while it may be freezer-burned and taste like fish sticks, you still manage to get some chocolatey goodness out of it.

That's the feeling I have today.

Uncomfortable and slightly unfulfilling satisfaction.

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