ALL I NEEDED WAS FRED AND ETHEL TO BURST IN

Okay ... THAT was messed up.

A few hours ago, it was 2:55 a.m.

I woke up, having to pee ... right?

So I lay there in bed for a minute trying to will myself not to have to pee.

Sadly, my bladder was having none of this "mind over matter" crap and forced me to get out of bed.

Which I did.

Now ... sometimes when I get out of bed and open my eyes, foreign matter gets in my eyes.

I'm not sure if it's an eyelash, those sleep boogers or Pop Tart crumbs, but something got in there and started stinging like crazy.

Does this happen to you?

Anyway, my eye becomes VERY SENSITIVE at this point and is watering like crazy.

I'm stumbling to the bathroom, my eye causing me great pain and I turn on the light.

WRONG MOVE.

I can't see a thing because of the crap in my eye so I turn the light off.

Then, I feel it.

Feels like snot just pouring out of my nose.

Except it ain't snot.

My nose is gushing blood.

My chest is quickly covered in streaks of nose blood.

To recap ... I have really got to pee, I can't see a thing, and I'm walking around facing the ceiling in order to stop my nose from bleeding.

I get to the toilet.

I stand there and start to pee by memory since I can't see where the toilet is.

It's obvious that I'm peeing nowhere NEAR the toilet as I've learned what it sounds like when I pee in the toilet and this sounds like I'm peeing all over the shower rug.

Recapping once again ... I'm half awake with blood and tears gushing out of my face, I'm blind and peeing on the little shag rug outside the shower at 2:56 a.m.

I cinch up my butt muscles to stop the flow of urine.

Blood is still hitting my chest and rolling down my stomach.

I make a snap decision.

Open the shower door and pee in there.

Which, I'm not proud to say, but I did it.

So I'm standing there, peeing in the shower, facing the ceiling and crying profusely from what felt like several fingernails in my eye.

Suddenly, the sound of pee hitting the shower stall floor takes on a different sound.

A more muffled sound.

Something has gotten between my pee and the shower floor.

At this point, I don't care what it is. I tell myself that I'll clean it up in the morning when I'm no longer crying and bleeding.

I feel my way back to the bed and lay down in order to get the blood to stop.

The bleeding finally stops.

My eye is still shooting out pain in all directions.

I get up out of bed and feel my way back to the shower stall.

I turn on the water and get in.

And step on my urine-soaked loofah.

I take a half-assed shower because I can't see, I'm tired and I really just want to wash the blood off my body.

I get out and throw the loofah away because I just couldn't imagine ever using it to wash my face again.

I climb back into bed and gently massage my eyelid in hopes that whatever is in there will work its way out until I fall back asleep.

I woke up fifteen minutes ago.

My eye is still sensitive but whatever was in there is now gone.

What a lovely way to start the day.

Crying, bleeding and urinating all over myself.