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6:28 a.m. - 2005-10-07


Katie Holmes is pregnant.

And rumors are running rampant that the baby could possibly be Tom Cruise's child.

Naturally, people are baffled because it was previously understood that Tom Cruise was incapable of getting an erection anywhere near a vagina.

Apparently, Mission Impossible wasn't so impossible after all.

Paris Hilton broke off her engagement to a guy named Paris, citing that she wasn't ready for marriage yet.

Somebody obviously clued her in to the fact that most married women don't spend their honeymoon going out to nightclubs with the sole purpose of displaying their gnarly beavers to the paparazzi.

This seemed like a good idea when I started it, but I've got nothing on Lindsey Lohan's drug problem and Nick and Jessica's impending divorce.

It's official ... I'm no David Spade.

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