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5:42 a.m. - 2005-10-26


I went to the dentist's office yesterday to get my choppers polished and as I was sitting in the waiting room, perusing a particularly fetching issue of "Highlights", I finally got to see them up close and personal.


Sadly, when I recently upgraded to a new cell phone, I opted not to get the one with the little spy camera on it. I blame this on a complete lack of sleep and poor judgement as to how handy these little bastards could be when you finally come across ...


I saw them pull up in the parking lot in his cherry red Mitsubishi 3000 GT.

I was watching out the window when they emerged from their car and thought "How sweet. Daddy's bringing his teenage daughter to the dentist!"


This guy had mid-life crisis written all over him. His orange bottled-tan and recent hair plugs were the first tip-off.

The fact that he was with a woman who was in her mid 20's was the second one.

She signs herself in ("Oh look! The little girl knows how to write!") and takes a seat next to creepy old guy.

Creepy Old Guy has already picked up a magazine and found one of those quizzes in it.

"Here! Read this!" he tells her.

She gets all excited and starts reading it, saying aloud "A...B...A ... oh definitely C!"

This leads me to believe she's taking a quiz. Either that or she's learning how to read. For the sake of the story, let's say the former.

She's digging her shoulder into his and they're practically on top of each other in the waiting room, both grinning like Tom Sizemore in a roomful of whores.

They come across one particularly perverted question and he starts this low growling voice saying "TELL me you don't like THAT!" and she's purring like a kitten and saying "Ooooo ... that's DIRTY!!"

They keep growling and purring and jabbing at each other with their index fingers. Then he starts tickling her which has her saying "STOP! STOP!!!"

Then ... and as God as my witness, I'm not making this up ... she shoves her tongue in his ear which makes him melt.

A gentle reminder here folks ... this is going on directly in front of me IN THE DENTIST'S WAITING ROOM.

There's me, the perverts and a little old lady in the room and the little old lady refuses to look up from her magazine.

Usually I am the bitter enemy of little old ladies because they just infuriate me ... but I SO wanted to just say "Are you watching this, little old lady? Put down that goddamned Ladies Home Journal and check this insane shit out!!"

She removes her tongue from his ear and he starts covering her face with kisses.


The worst part was ... I'm guessing that they were there for the woman to get some sort of dental work done ... and she's jamming her tongue in this guy's ear!

How gross would that be for the dental hygienist to say "Open wide" and then have to say "Oh. You've got a big ball of earwax boogers on your tongue. Rinse first please."

So after they get done making out, they decide to continue on with the quiz.

Something tells me that common sense slapped them upside the head because they quit talking aloud and she just started pointing at the answers.

Then she read something that made her give him this exaggerated look that I can't quite put my finger on.

It was like she just sat naked on a Slushie. Or she had just been told that her middle-aged boyfriend's divorce was final.

He gave her a really exaggerated look back.

So now I've got two really REALLY bad mimes in front of me.

while the whole "Taking a Sex Quiz in the Dentist's Office" was skeezing me out like a homeless guy trying to sell me kiddie porn in a church parking lot, I preferred that to this poorly executed round of pantomime.

They get to the end of the quiz because she finally quit pointing at random spots on the page and then they looked at each other for a long time.

Then they just started making the fuck out.

By now, Granny had picked up on their vibes and she was watching in disgust as well.

This wasn't a short peck on the cheek.

These two were acting like they were in some cheap hotel room during a lunch-hour rendezvous.

This wasn't a case of young love and hormones raging.

This guy was easily in his mid-to-late 50s.

The girl was mid 20s.

And they were TONGUE-KISSING!!

Did I mention I was in the dentist's waiting room?!?

I will bet each of you ten bucks that had there been a potted plant at least four feet tall, they woulda ducked behind there and he woulda been doing her from behind while glaring at me like I didn't belong there.

FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY the door opened up and my hygienist called me back to get the teeth cleaned.

She then waved to the perverts and said "Heeeey! How are you two??"

Now, I've always thought rather highly of my dental hygienist.

And I just found out that she cleaned the teeth of two public pervs.

It made me feel very dirty while I sat in the dentist chair.

Or maybe that was the built-up plaque flying every which way.

Probably a combination.

I know you've all been sitting on the edges of your seats at your computers, foregoing sleep and keeping alert by downing a steady diet of Diet Dr. Peppers and Twinkies for the last 48 hours wondering if Mattie Gee got that DJ job that we auditioned for a few nights ago.

Well you can go to bed now.

He got the call yesterday and starts in two weeks.

This will mark his return to the DJ business after a 20 year absence.

Maybe 15 years.

I've only known him for 12 years and his history before that is nothing but fuzzy to me.

And while he didn't spend much time in the DJ business (four nights ... not really ... I dunno ... see the "history" thing above), this will find him spinning the rhyrarium of titanium two nights a week.


Hindsight being 20/20, I should have never mentioned the gig to the Gee-spot because after Halloween I have ZERO parties lined up to do.

I'm sure parties will start popping up and everything will be fine. I had no parties lined up for October when September was here and ended up with nine (count 'em ... nine) parties by the end of the month.

But I'm still panicking.

Let me panic, please.

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