ALWAYS A DULL MOMENT

I can't think of a single thing that I want to write about here.

So therefore, I'm going to share with you all of the boring details of my life which have taken place recently.

This should be fun.

Key word being "should".

This guy has the deadest handshake in the history of handshakes. Shaking hands with him is like giving a dead guy a hand job.

He insists on shaking hands every time I see him in public once a year.

He sticks his hand out.

You grasp his hand.

And then it's just ... limp and dead.

And it's up to you to do the shaking because he barely does any of the work involved in shaking hands.

This unnerves me.

I think that maybe it may have something to do with the fact that I've been told I have a strong handshake.

I tone the handshake down for the ladies.

But for the guys? Full blown macho handshake, goddammit.

Maybe Dick anticipates the handshake and goes limp like a kid anticipating a spanking who is impossible to pull up off the floor for all his limpness.

But here's the kicker on that one, wasabi ...

When I heard Dick sneak up behind me and call me by name, I knew instantly who it was.

And HE HE HE is the one who extended his hand first. If it had been up to me, no handshaking would have taken place because it just makes me all squirmy when a guy lays his hand in mine all limp and shit.

So anyway, Dick stood there for 15 minutes getting me caught up on his life (he's moved back to the country again ... big shock there) and then I finally got him to understand that I was on my lunch hour and had. To. Go.

The hand was extended again.

My eyes literally rolled.

I turned the tables on the bastard though and just gave him a limp handshake back.

That had to be weird for onlookers.

Two grown men holding hands in a record store.

Hindsight being 20/20, I really should have swung his hand like a little girl on a playground.

Yeah.

That'd teach his homophobic ass to approach me in public with a limp handshake again.

I've been watching her each day to judge her sunburn getting worse and worse with each passing day.

I gotta figure she's making less than $10 an hour to contract skin cancer by waving at thousands of cars each morning.

I kinda feel sorry for her.

Hence the suit-taking-innie thing.

Apparently she was cussing out customers and one of the customers got pissed about it and told the big boss who was fed up with the bartender's attitude anyway.

The bartender was just like Carla from "Cheers". Cranky with a heart of gold. Minus the hideous afro thing.

She helped get me my job there after hearing me play in another club. She ran back to her club and told the woman (who ironically fired her) that they had to hire me because I was the shit.

That's how I got hired there a year and a half ago.

So I'm indebted to her.

Just ... not to the point where I'm going to try and help her get her job back.

She's already found another gig making more money anyway.

God bless 'er.

This means that for every ... I dunno ... thousand dollars I spend in there, I get like $5 back or something.

But more importantly, this means that when I go to cash a check at a bank that's not mine and they ask for two forms of ID, I can whip out that Reward Zone membership card and say something like "Here you go, Sammy!" or "Right here, Kentucky Joe!"

(Sidenote: I MUST give somebody the nickname "Kentucky Joe" and never explain why just to really confuse the shit outta them.)

At first I was all "I can't drink warm Diet Dr. Pepper!"

Then ... in a fit of creativity ... I was all "EUREKA!! WHAT ABOUT ICE?!?"

Because I never pour drinks over ice at home.

But I did this morning and guess what??

INSTANT COLD DIET DR. PEPPER!!

Yep!

What will modern technology come up with next?

(Sidenote #2: I'm on my second Diet Dr. Pepper already and the ice has turned to slivers now.)

I've watched the entire series over the past several weeks.

I still like the American version better.

It's not as sad.

This fact just became painfully obvious as I prattled on about my TV watching.

I prefer TV over books anyway.

There's less reading involved.