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5:39 a.m. - 2006-01-19


Okay ... everybody join in at the same time ...






Okay ... enough of that shit ... what'd ya get me? What'd ya get me?

(Uncle Bob twists and turns while trying to peek behind your back)


Again with the nothing?!?

You know ... this makes six years in a row you haven't bought me anything.

You DO understand that the entire reason I do this site is for the cavalcade of birthday presents I receive each year, right??

YOU DO KNOW that you're the ONLY PERSON who doesn't buy me gifts each year ... right??

Shame on you.

Shame on you and your uncaring good-for-nothing attitude.

I expected better from you ... I really did.

I mean ... the rest of 'em ... sure. They can send me nice gifts every January 19th. Most of 'em get donated to without me even looking at them.

But YOU?!?

Oh ... you ... I just always held YOU in such high esteem.

You're BETTER than all the other readers of Uncle Bob.

And yet ... once again ... you completely forgot my birthday.

I ... I feel as if ... wait ... yes ... there's a tear in my eye.

A tear caused by YOU.

You've made your Uncle Bob cry on his birthday.

How thoughtless of YOU.


(Or "bitch". Whichever you prefer.)

So yeah ... anyway ... it's time for the sixth annual Uncle Bob Birthday entry.

I'm too damned lazy to go back and see what I've wrote about in the past.

Okay ... I lied. I went back and checked past birthday entries to see if I'd written about my 20th birthday which I had here.

But that was actually the night BEFORE my 20th birthday.

So let's rap about my 20th birthday.

(Did you notice I used the word "rap" there instead of "chat" or "talk"? That's because I'm down with today's youth and their wacky slang terms.)

For those of you too lazy to click on the link and just want a quick recap ... the night before my 20th birthday I wanted to celebrate the last night of my teenage years by doing something outrageous.

In 1982, that meant getting your ear pierced. Straight guys weren't getting their ears pierced back then. I know it sounds crazy ... but it's true. Straight men had unpierced ears in 1982.

Except for me and my buddies.

So we got our ears pierced.

On my actual birthday, two female friends called me and said they were taking me out and getting me drunk that evening.

They were buying all the drinks.

And we were going barhopping.

I could deal with that.

This all took place on the campus of the University of Tennessee. If that helps any.

After about the seventh drink or so, I decided that my goal was to kiss 20 different women that evening.

Since I was 20 now ... it seemed fit that I kissed 20 different women.

And NO pecks on the cheeks or lips.

These were going to be 20 passionate kisses.

With tongue.

And teeth. You know ... being drunk and all.

I started with my two friends, Kit and Cheryl, who both obliged.

Then ... the quest began.

I went from table to table, explaining to gals that I had to kiss 20 women that evening because it was my 20th birthday.

Some said yes.

Some said no.

I remember distinctly walking from one bar to the next and having an ultra-sexy hot blonde walking in our direction.

"Hey!" I slurred. "Ish my twennieth birfday. You haffa gimme a kiss!"

She didn't hesitate.

She put both hands on either side of my face and planted a kiss that found her tongue cleaning out my lungs.

The kiss went on for quite a while ... I'd guess about 30 seconds before my friends started bitching about how cold it was outside and that we needed to stop kissing and get inside the next bar.

We got to the next bar and it was kinda quiet there.

We sat down and I think I was on number 18 or so. I don't remember. I remember that I was nearing the big 20.

A couple of girls came in the bar and my friends knew them from somewhere so the gals came and sat with us.

I immediately tried to convey the fact that I had to kiss more women because it was my birthday.

That news probably came out sounding like a 20 second belch.

Once my friends interpreted the news that I was 20 and was kissing 20 women that night, the girls obliged.

The blonde gal had a very warm tongue for such a cold night.

Foreigner's "Waiting For A Girl Like You" came on the jukebox and I pulled this cutie out on the dance floor.

We danced and kissed and I did my best to sing the chorus of the song to her while I stared bleary and cross-eyed into her eyes.

We dated for a month or so after that.

And for the life of me, I can't remember that girl's name. I think it was Ellen. Although ... if you were holding a gun to my head and screaming at me "TELL ME THE GIRL'S NAME OR I'LL BLOW YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF RIGHT NOW, YOU FUCKING BASTARD!!!" I'd probably be dead. Without a face too.

Long story short ... I got 21 kisses that night from 21 different women.

Had to get one to grow on.

And that, my friends, is the story of the most women I've ever made out with in one single night.


It was like a gang-bang on my tongue.

Happy Birthday indeed.

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