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7:47 a.m. - 2006-01-20


These days, more and more erotica is being written by women. Women believe they have the market cornered when it comes to writing erotica. I am here today to say "No you don't. For I am a man and I am fully capable of writing erotica. Gawd awful erotica.

Terrence had just finished mowing Mrs. Hoover's back yard and after a tall, lusty glass of lemonade, decided that maybe it was time he collected his payment.

He knocked on the front door. He was shocked when Mrs. Hoover answered the door in her 50/50 blend of polyester and cotton panties with green pasties covering her boobies and nothing else.

"My goodness!" Terrence gasped. "I can see your boobies!"

"No you can't Terrence," Mrs. Hoover said lustily. "You can see my boobs. My boobies are covered with these sexy green tassles."

"Booooooobs," Terrence repeated. "Nice boobs, Mrs. Hoover. Can I please collect my $12.95 for mowing your yard?"

"Would you like to mow my yard?" Mrs. Hoover purred while stroking her hoo-hah.

"I just did, Mrs. Hoover," Terrence replied. "That'll be $12.95."

"No," Mrs. Hoover said while running her tongue around and around her lips really fast about a dozen times. "I meant ... would you like to have sex with me? I am very excited right now and need someone to mow my yard."

"I just mowed your yard, Mrs. Hoover," Terrence repeated, wondering just what in the dickens was wrong with Mrs. Hoover.

"Come inside," Mrs. Hoover said. "You look as if you could use some dirty sex stuff!"

Terrence went inside reluctantly.

Mrs. Hoover led Terrence to her bedroom which was adorned with several candles. Possibly five of them in various locations around the room.

"Take your clothes off," Mrs. Hoover said in a demanding voice.

"Okay," replied Terrance, who began removing his dirty, mud-covered work boots which really made a mess of Mrs. Hoover's shag carpeting.

He then removed his pants, exposing his sweat-filled jockey shorts whose elastic was on its last legs.

He then removed his shirt, which showed off his pasty belly paunch and a field of acne that stretched across his chest.

Mrs. Hoover sucked in her gut in anticipation.

"I want you to do me right now!" she cried. "I want to feel your penis somewhere near my vagina!"

"Your what?" Terrence asked, slightly confused.

"My vagina," Mrs. Hoover said.

"Your ... buh-china?" Terrence said.

"No," Mrs. Hoover said, removing her granny panties. "My VAGINA!!!!!"

"Oh," Terrence said as he pointed at her crotch. "That."

Terrence stared at Mrs. Hoover's vagina for a long time. Probably not a real long time. Probably something like three minutes. But three minutes of intense staring accompanied by hushed silence can seem like a really long time when it's a guy staring at a woman's crotch without any kind of movement or anything.

Finally, Terrence spoke.

"Nice vagina," he said.

"Thank you," she said. "I just got over another yeast infection, so it may not be as clean as I'd like. I try to keep it clean, but you know those darned yeast infections. They can wreak havoc on a woman's vagina."

"I'd like to wreak havoc on YOUR crusty vagina!" Terrence whimpered.

"Oh!" Mrs. Hoover said with a quick standing-on-her-tippytoes motion.

"Let's ... HAVE ... SEEEEXXXXXX!!!" Terrence screamed, catching Mrs. Hoover off guard and scaring her a bit, causing a little urine to squirt out onto the carpet and cause a stain that she'd later have to call Stanley Steamer to come remove. Consequently, she'd try to pay the carpet cleaner's bill with sex as well.

Terrence was temporarily grossed out by Mrs. Hoover's inability to control her bladder but quickly got over it.

He threw Mrs. Hoover down on the bed and really thrusted his penis inside her vagina.

Several times.

Probably more times than you can count.

He said things like "Oh God" and "Mmmmmm" and "That's good".

She responded with "Oh God too" which made both of them laugh because it made them think of that movie in the 70s where George Burns played God and John Denver was some schmo on earth who kept seeing God. Man! That movie was a riot!

She also responded with "Mmmmm mmmmm!" and "I like that too."

Terrence drilled Mrs. Hoover's vagina like a homeless man digging through a McDonald's dumpster at closing time.

"Your vagina is very HOT!" Terrence cried.

"Yes, I know!" Mrs. Hoover said. "It's probably 104 degrees in there!"

"In the shade!" Terrence said with a wink.

They both shared a quick laugh over Terrence's joke while they continued to have sex.

"You know," Terrence said loudly into Mrs. Hoover's ear. "I can probably waive the $12.95 bill for mowing your yard since you gave me free sex."

"Hold it down, Soldier," Mrs. Hoover said real quietly because he was basically yelling into her ear.

"Sure thing," Terrence said in a quieter tone.

"That's better," Mrs. Hoover said, her vagina becoming sore from Terrence's penis pounding.

"Say, Mrs. Hoover," Terrence said in the newly quiet tone that he had recently acquired. "Would you mind if I ejaculated into your face?"

"I don't know," Mrs. Hoover said all warily. "I'm afraid you'd get it in my eyes and I'd get pink eye. Or you'd shoot it in my nose and it'd get stuck in my sinuses and then every time I blew my nose for the next week, sperm globs would come out. I'd rather you just not ejaculate."

"But I must ejaculate," Terrence said. "I ejaculate to let me know that the sex is over."

"But if you ejaculate, you'll stop having sex with me," Mrs. Hoover murmured. "And I'm very needy and clingy and want this sex to go on for a very long time because there's nothing on TV until 3:30 when Oprah comes on and I think it's a repeat today with that money management guy."

"So I can't ejaculate?" Terrence asked.

"I'd rather you didn't," Mrs. Hoover confirmed.

"Too ... late!" Terrence cried as he made a face that looked like someone rammed a chihuahua up his ass and Mrs. Hoover felt her vagina fill up with tiny little sperms.

"Not inside my vagina, you dope!" she yelled. "Do you want me to get pregnant or something?"

"No, not really," Terrence said.

"Well now you've done it," she said, all pissed. "Go get a sponge out of the kitchen and begin sponging out my vagina. You're going to have to fish in there and get every little sperm out."

"God!" Terrence said as he demounted Mrs. Hoover. "Women are all alike! Always wanting me to sponge their vaginas dry!"

"Fuck you!" Mrs. Hoover cried.

"Eat shit and die, whore!" Terrence said.


(Please look for my upcoming book "Gawdawful Erotica And Wiener Schnitzel Recipes" coming out in Spring 2006)

For your amusement, I have thrown up this site so that your bad erotica can be forever etched in pixels as well. Use it. But don't abuse it. Or you'll go blind.

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