THE AWKWARD COMEBACK

How're you?

Me??

Fine. Thanks.

You're looking good. Looks like you've lost a lot of weight! I hardly recognized you.

Yeah. Yeah.

(uncomfortable silence while I nervously look at my shoes and you stare intently at me)

Look ... okay ... here's the deal. I TOLD you I was going away.

What?? What do you mean by that??

Baby ... lemme remind you ... when we first started seeing each other, I TOLD you I wasn't the type to be tied down by these website romances.

And yet ... I fell for you.

And you fell for me.

And I got scared and ran away for a while.

Went and saw places I never thought I'd see.

Spent a little time with my baby child,

Shacked up with a Thai hooker named Chow Mein Lee.

Yeah.

Whatever.

It's going to be published by Hyperion Books who have signed me to a five year/five book contract and it will be coming out in November in time for the Christmas rush.

More information on that as it gets closer.

Actually, I didn't really write a book or shack up with a Thai Hooker.

But I half-heartedly entertained both thoughts at least once a day for the last couple of months.

The truth is I've been living for the past three months on the grounds of the local zoo because I've grown a really strange obsession where I�m constantly wanting to have my tongue buried in a giraffe�s ass.

Nope.

You caught me.

Another lie.

And I've been watching cartoons with my son each morning as we have
some silent male bonding over our morning beverages of choice and the
occasional Pop Tart from the pink Pop Tart box with that freakin'
"Hello Kitty" on it.

And I've been showering with my wife in our shower built for two and
she has so far successfully refrained from vomiting the entire time
at the sight of my wet and flabby nakedness.

And I've been enjoying the time away.

But I've missed you at times.

Certainly not a 24-7 thing.

Just every now and then.

And I've done stupid things that I don't remember now and thought
"That woulda been a decent Uncle Bob story."

But it never got written.

And that's okay too, y'know.

Sadly, I'm old enough to be her dad and I'd feel kinda strange whacking off while imagining her naked.

There's no telling WHAT all that crazy chick has pierced.

Family's doing great for the most part.

When I last left you, my Mom wasn't doing very well at all.

I didn't really say anything about it here, but some of you knew via
my irregular-at-best email correspondence.

Anyway ... she's doing better ... all things considered.

But I try not to consider all the things.

Apparently this is supposed to be a major deal and we're supposed to
cry when he walks through the school doors for the first time.

I don't think I'll cry.

I'll probably be too drunk as he's doing it and won't even know what's going on.

So there you go.

I'm alive and well and pretty damned boring today.

Dont know when I'll be back.

Check back in a hour.

HA!!

(That was just a joke, son)