THE SNAKE SHAKE

I feel confident that I've pointed out here at least once in the past that I'm a middle-aged white guy.

No??

Really??

You thought I was a young Bolivian chick?

Well go figure. I guess I need to be more specific in the future.

Anyway, being a middle-aged white guy, I have a bit of difficulty when people want to shake my hand in any method other than the traditional handshake.

I'm talking about the guys that want to hook thumbs, then release, then slap palms, then tickle each other's knuckles with their fingertips or whatever the hell it is these guys are trying to do.

Every time a guy does that to me, I'm reminded once again that I'm the most uncool handshaker on the face of the earth because I haven't kept up with the latest in handshaking.

But last night it dawned on me.

No more.

For I, your dear Uncle Bob, is the coolest handshaker on the earth now.

Because I've invented my own handshake.

I approach the handshake with my palm down, fingers spread wide.

I then interlock my fingers with them in a "Here's the church, here's the steeple, open the door and see all the people" move.

I then give it a snake-like move. I raise my elbow then drop it as I'm raising my wrist and then finally my fingers as I drop my wrist.

It's really a cool handshake.

But here's the deal ... I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS IT!!

So the next time a hip young jerk comes up to me and goes to shake my hand in the same old fashioned hook thumbs, then release, then slap palms, then tickle each other's knuckles with their fingertips way, I'm going to INSTEAD go with my handshake ... extending hand with the palm down, fingers spread wide.

They won't know what hit them.

Then ... THEN ... THEY will be the ones all embarrassed that they haven't mastered the latest hip handshake!

HA!

IN YOUR FACE, HIPSTER!!

That is ... late at night, there's a LOT of commercials on my local channels that are all in Spanish.

Granted, we have a healthy amount of illegal immigrants in our city who do wonderful landscaping and burrito making around the place.

But I think it's kinda ... I dunno ... racist to suggest that they all stay up late at night and that's the only time they watch TV.

I say ... MORE SPANISH COMMERCIALS DURING THE DAY, LOCAL TV PEOPLE!

Mexicans are people too.

Plus, I'm almost positive that they're in bed pretty early because those Mexican landscapers have to get out pretty early in the morning to earn that $3 an hour and avoid the summer sun.

No matter how drunk you may get when you do Karaoke, when the words "16 Bar Instrumental" show up on the screen in the middle of your song, don't say "16 Bar Instrumental" over the microphone hoping for a laugh.

Don't sing it.

Don't scream it.

Don't mumble it.

We've all heard it before and it wasn't funny the first million times.

Thanks.