Uncle Bob's Diary O' Chuckles

LEAVING LAS VEGAS

So I went to Las Vegas to become the world's greatest stage hypnotist.

I did not accomplish that.

I am now the GALAXY'S greatest stage hypnotist

(Insert many exclamation marks here)

Lemme tell you about Vegas.

1) There is a shitload of lights out there.

2) While there's a ton of lights, there are even MORE people who stay out on the streets and harass people with their hard luck stories of traveling across the country by car and their car has broken down and they just need some gas money.

Guess what, Pedro? I'm on to you and your little game.

If I give you a quarter, by the time I put it into your hand, you've mentally already shoved it into another slot machine's slot and walked away with nothing.

It's really freakin' amazing that your car broke down in Las Vegas of all places.

What're the odds?

Oh wait ... just down the street you can find a bookie who'll give you the odds.

So now I can hypnotize people with ease and make them do silly things like forget their name or think their feet are stuck to the floor and the only way they can lift them is to say things to each foot. Every time they say something to each foot, that foot can lift up and take a step. But you have to keep repeating the phrase for each foot.

For the left foot, the phrase is "Fuck me".

For the right foot, it's "In the ass".

So in a nutshell, you've got people shuffling like zombies around on a stage muttering "Fuck me ... in the ass" in order to walk back to their seats.

You've GOT to love hypnosis.

I met some of the greatest guys (and a few gals) in Vegas as we went through our training.

Many of the people were already experienced stage hypnotists while quite a few were like me.

Each day, I'd position myself near the experienced hypnotists at lunch or dinner and absorb as much information about the business as they would share.

One thing I noticed quickly about hypnotists ... they're not nearly as petty, egotistical or back-stabbing as DJs.

Everyone shared valuable information about the business and TOLD ME to apply this information to my new business and I would succeed.

Awesome AWESOME people.

We went and saw a different hypnotist each night.

What was wild for me, being the pop culture whore that I am, was stepping foot into these hallowed halls of entertainment and reveling in the history of each building.

Walking into the Stardust with the portraits of Frank, Sammy, Dean and Liza hanging on the walls was just too cool for words.

But I'll try to find the right words for you.

Muzzyfulliphic.

Sorry. That's the best I can do.

I even brought back a tip for each of you!

I know! What a surprise!

Here it is:

The next time you travel by air and find out you're sitting next to a Mexican couple on the plane ... do WHATEVER IT TAKES to get your seat changed.

Apparently, Mexican couples flying to Las Vegas are mucho excited-o.

And they want to talk to you all about the trip.

Except they don't speak English and goddammit all to hell ... I don't speak the Mexican.

So our conversations were like this:

MEXICAN GUY: "Taco burrito enchilada Las Vegas?"

ME: "Huh?"

MEXICAN GUY: "Guacamole refried beans sombrero siesta Las Vegas?"

ME: "What?"

MEXICAN LADY: "Salsa peso Celine Dion Montezuma's Revenge?"

ME: "I'm sorry. I don't speak gibberish."

Bottom line, I really want to make the transition into doing more hypnosis work than DJ gigs.

The pay is AT THE VERY LEAST twice what I make now and for only a quarter of the time that I work now.

Plus, you have people coming up to you after the show screeching about how amazing you were and wanting to buy your CDs, DVDs and books.

Yes ... I will soon be selling CDs, DVDs and books.

I'm also going to be taking on a stage name which I'm still trying to decide on as well as a "character".

I'm leaning towards the most obnoxious assholiest hypnotist you've ever seen.

Thoughts? Comments? Suggestions??