THIS AIN'T MARDI GRAS, DOROTHY

Not much going on here in the land of Bobberooney.

Lemme seeeee ...

I think I've decided on a stage name for my hypnosis act.

I would tell it to you now but I want to buy the domain name first and I could imagine that there may be some jerk that stumbles across this, sees the name and thinks "I'm going to ruin Uncle Bob's life by stealing his stage name, opening a domain with it and ... and ... and ... that would ruin his life."

And it would.

And I would be SO PEEVED!!

Soooo ... no reveal just yet.

I can give you a hint though.

It's really really close to a pseudonym that Prince used early on in his career.

You'd have to be a pretty big Prince fan to know that.

Or ... know your way around Wikipedia or something.

The party started at 10:00 p.m. and I left the house at 7:30 p.m. for the 45 minute drive to the school.

Plenty of time, right?

Yeah.

Plenty of time if you know where the hell you're going.

I printed out directions, but once I got to the city (that I'm only vaguely familiar with) I got all twisted and turned around.

Now, I'm not your average guy. I'm not going to drive around all macho until I find the place on my own.

Oh hell no.

I immediately pulled over, grabbed the cell phone and called the school principal.

Apparently I was several miles away from the school and she tried to talk me back to the school.

Anyway, I finally got there at 9:50 p.m.

I hurried up and set my stuff up in ten minutes.

They had wanted me to set up on the stage in the gymnasium which would have taken an extra 10 minutes easily.

I declined, saying how I wanted to be on the floor of the gym so I could "connect" with the students and be "part of them".

This basically means "I don't have time to set up onstage but I do have time to toss a table up and jam the speakers on their stands so that music is playing at 9:59 p.m."

So I'm playing music and ... just like the principal mentioned, the kids were CROWDING me.

I'm on a rickety 8 foot table and the kids are pressed right up against it, dancing and grinding and what have you.

A whole gymnasium is empty except for 200 kids wrapped around my table.

Good thing I'm not THAT claustrophobic.

Anyway, they're having a great time and I decide to start throwing out beads to the crowd.

I bought 40,000 pairs of beads a few months ago and always throw them out at these things.

So I'm tossing them out and the Homecoming Queen pushes her way through the crowd all the way to my table.

She adjusts her little tiara and says .... and I freakin' quote here ... "Do I have to show you my tits to get beads?"

This is the Homecoming Queen.

I don't know about you, but my Homecoming Queen was elegant and sweet and beautiful and would have never said that to a middle-aged DJ.

I freaked out.

Honestly, I didn't want to see the Homecoming Queen's tits.

Mainly because there were about 7 football coaches to my left watching everything going on with an eagle eye.

They didn't hear her proposition.

And they didn't see what she did next.

She started pulling her strapless dress down and showing cleavage while playfully smiling at me.

I gave her a handful of beads before she did anything stupid.

Holy cow.

These kids today and their penchant for showing tits.

Where were they when I WANTED to see tits?

There's seven of them in all including Lose Weight, Stop Smoking, Cure Insomnia, Relieve Pain, Build Your Self Confidence, Relieve Stress and Stop Masturbating All The Time You Fucking Freak.

The last one is just me getting the subject under hypnosis and then screaming the title into the microphone for 10 minutes straight.

I think it'll be a big seller myself.

Anyway, I've had to record and re-record them all about three times apiece because either the background music is too loud and it sounds like they're at the dullest rave ever or I stumble across words.

Three words that are giving me fits are "particularly", "oxygenated" and "abdomen".

My mentor, who wrote these scripts and has made millions off of them, has a rather large vocabulary.

While I get by on "ain't" and "fuck and all it's variations" a lot.

Plus, in these scripts he uses two words A LOT.

Those two words are "perhaps" and "obviously".

There's one passage that says "Perhaps you feel your right arm feeling heavy. Perhaps not. Perhaps you feel your left arm and perhaps you don't feel either your left arm or right arm."

Now, to me, the word "perhaps" is kinda arrogant. Almost British.

I like the word "maybe".

I feel more comfortable with the word "maybe".

"Maybe your right arm feels heavy. Maybe not. What the fuck do I know? I'm sitting in a cold garage in a beat-up lawn chair recording this shit in my boxer shorts and a sweatshirt stained with pizza sauce from last night. I don't know what the fuck you're feeling right now. Hopefully you'll just start exercising more when this is over. Good luck ya fat fuck."

Maybe I'll record one CD like that and it'll be like a Wonka Ticket.

If you buy the CD where I just go off on an obscene rant about my life, you get the Wonka Gold Ticket which allows you free access to any shows of mine that happen to come to your area.

Yeah.

That'll sell CDs!

Alright, gotta wake up the family and get their asses in gear for yet another Tuesday.

Love ya.