KILL THE BRIDE. KILL THE BRIDE.

I've got a wedding with a bride coming up who ... she's a nice gal ... but she's like a really nice Bridezilla.

From the first time she called asking for prices, she has referred to herself as "Ms. Smith".

Never by her first name. I thought "Well, maybe she's an elementary school teacher and she's calling me from her classroom while her class listens in."

Because I couldn't think of any other reason someone would call and inquire about my services and not give me their full name.

About the second or third phone call I finally forced her to give me her first name so I could write up a contract.

She did. For the sake of argument, we'll call her Susan. Susan Smith.

Susan "doesn't like" the Internet.

She hates email (she has it .. but "hates" it).

I gave her her own Online Event Planner on my website where she can give me all the information I need PLUS pick out the songs she wants to hear.

She wants no part of that.

The phone number she gave me is also a fax number and she NEVER turns the fax machine off.

Normally, I call the bride a week before the wedding and act as a counselor because they're freaking out and need someone to vent to and I let them vent over the phone while I'm watching TV and going "Yes. Yes I agree. Yes. Yes".

I've been trying to call Ms. Smith since Saturday and gotten nothing but that awful whiny scratchy fax sound.

I have no idea where she lives because she was supposed to mail me all of her information and hasn't done that.

Soooooo ...

Last night I was talking to another client on my cell phone and when I was done, I put the cell phone next to the bed.

4:30 a.m. this morning.

Ring! Ring!

WTF?!?

Caller ID says Ms. Smith.

Holy.

F'n.

Shit.

I pick up the phone and try to say "Hello" but what comes out is this scary sound similar to what a bear would say if he accidentally fell into a huge campfire.

SHE HANGS UP.

I call her back.

"I thought you'd be asleep," she says. "I was just going to leave you a voicemail."

I'll be damned.

This pseudo-Amish chick knows what voicemail is.

So she proceeds to apologize about 98 times in a row.

THE ONLY REASON SHE'S CALLING is that her sister has all of my information written out by pencil and sometime today I need to go on a wild goose chase to track down her sister and get this information so that I can manually put it in the computer myself (since she's terrified of computers) and print out a sheet that I can use.

I'm having to be all Johnny Niceguy because she hasn't paid me in full yet. But in my head, I want to choke her.

So people here's a helpful tip from your old Uncle Bob ...

DON'T FUCKING CALL PEOPLE AT 4:30 IN THE MORNING FOR ANYTHING SHORT OF A DEATH IN THE FAMILY EVEN IF YOU THINK THEIR VOICEMAIL WILL PICK UP BECAUSE THERE WILL STILL BE A PHONE RINGING AT 4:30 IN THE MORNING AND THAT'S JUST SO FUCKING WRONG ON SO MANY FUCKING LEVELS.

Whew.

I'll be glad when this woman is out of my life.

(I've edited this heavily from when it was first posted five minutes ago because I'm so tired and paranoid that this woman will see this post. That's how tired I am ... paranoia is setting in.)

So I get up, check CNN.com to see if the Democrats have seized Congress or if we're going to continue killing babies in Iraq so that George Bush can continue on his quest to zip past Hitler as history's most evil and hated dictator and I see that Britney and K-Fed are getting a divorce.

This is NOT shaping up to be a good day.