THE LAME HEIST

Only 8 people have a key to the safe (thankfully, I'm not one of them) and now all 8 people are having to go through intense questioning and eventually lie detector tests.

Like Tony said "Why only steal $650? If you're going to steal money and eventually get caught, why not steal more than that?"

The prime suspect is a night manager (Ron) who only worked a few weeks. The day that the money was discovered missing was the day AFTER Ron had been night manager.

Since then, Ron hasn't shown up for work at all. Hasn't called or anything.

In fact, he had just gotten back from a cruise to the Bahamas, worked one night, the money went missing sometime between closing that night and opening the next day and he hasn't been back since and won't return any calls.

The dumbest part?

Ron's STILL employed there.

Hmmmmm ... can you say "case closed"??

Actually ... no you can't.

Because THE DAY the money went missing, one of the newer managers (Danny) was there at the club at 11 a.m. when the place doesn't open until 4.

It was Danny's day off.

He was discovered there by Tony who was coming in to clean up after a wild Saturday night.

Danny is the same guy who on his second night said "This place is going to get robbed. It's just a matter of time."

When Tony found Danny hanging around inside the club at 11 a.m., Danny had no real reason to be there ("I was just in the area and thought I'd stop by" was the only one he could come up with).

Stop by, pull out your keys, unlock the doors to the club at 11 a.m. on a Sunday morning and just "hang out".

In a very quiet darkened club.

Hours later, $650 goes missing out of the safe.

Hmmmmm.

Suddenly I feel as if I'm in the middle of a really lame episode of "Law & Order: Stupid Assed Bar Manager Thefts"

If this were an actual TV show, I bet the thief would be Tony who told me all this.

Here's how it would play out ... Tony saw Danny in the club on a Sunday morning and when Danny left, Tony decided to go steal the money and pin the blame on Danny.

Yeah.

And he murdered Ron with a cattle prod when Ron got back from his cruise and Ron's stuffed in a laundry chute in an old abandoned mental hospital south of the tracks.

Yeeeah.

I really should have pursued that whole "writing TV drama" dream that I had back in '92 a little more aggressively.

At our peak, we had nine people in the club.

No, I didn't forget to throw in a "hundred" there.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE slow nights because I can play whatever I want at a low volume.

We had a MONSTER Thursday night (I got home at 1 a.m. which is LATE for a Thursday night) and because of that, everyone who would have come out last night was too hungover to do so.

And here's the deal ... I work in a club that caters to military people.

Today is Veteran's Day.

Yesterday they were all off work and most likely drove to the beach for the weekend.

Sooo ... nine people.

And I got to play some cool jams.

Marvin Gaye's "T Plays It Cool"
R.L. Burnside's "It's Bad You Know"
Moby's "Jam For The Ladies"
Public Enemy's "Make Love Fuck War" (since no military guys were in there)
Pete Yorn's "Lose You"
James Brown's "Pay The Cost To Be The Boss"
William Shatner's "Common People"
My Chemical Romance's "Welcome To The Black Parade"

Yeah.

The GOOD stuff.

This caused the nine people in attendance to realize that they had shown up on "Eclectic Night" and that the DJ was playing stuff he never gets to play solely for himself.

And they left.

As did I.

At 9:30 p.m.

Gawd.

It felt SO NICE to be in bed before midnight on a Friday night.

This should be a low maintenance gig as their wedding is going up against some pretty high-profile college football games on TV and that's just unheard of down in the South.

You don't schedule an event against Auburn vs. Georgia or Alabama vs. LSU or Tennessee vs. Arkansas.

I expect people to eat and run no matter how hard I try to keep them there.

Plus, the mother of the bride REFUSES to let anyone drink or smoke inside the building, so all drinkers and smokers will have to go outside.

And it's s'posed to be cold and rainy here today.

Awesome.

"Sorry nobody stayed at your reception because of the football games and the nasty weather and your batshit crazy mother. Please make the check out to me personally."

Worst case scenario?

I'm home by 7:30 tonight.

I almost feel like a normal person.