BUSIER THAN A ONE-ARMED ... UMMMM ... I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING THAT SPECIFICALLY REQUIRES TWO ARMS FOR ANYTHING THAT HAS A SPECIFIC TITLE. PULL-UP CHAMPION? CLAPPER? I'LL GET BACK WITH YOU ON THAT.

You busy?

Because I'm slammed. Maybe that's why we're not connecting like we used to.

Anyway ... first things first ... hats off to Squeakzilla who ponied up some duckies to keep my gold membership afloat here because Squeaky likes to read the comments section "especially when there's fights".

So you guys use that comments section immediately following this entry and slap each other around some.

Because we gotta keep Squeaky a happy camper.

Last week was spent frantically trying to get stuff together for a yard sale on Saturday because heaven forbid my wife and I actually "gradually" get a yard sale together.

We're more the "We have three days left before the yard sale ... LET'S FIND SOMETHING TO SELL!!!"

...It's a community yard sale and while it's not imperative that we participate, I'm the one who came up with the date for the event and I'm the one that the Homeowners Association kinda relies on to assist in the spearheading of stuff like this. So it'd be kinda weird if I told the Association "April 14th will be the date of the yard sale and I will work hard to promote it" ... and then we don't even have a yard sale.

It's a long story that I don't have time to get into right now.

So ... suck of all sucks ... I had to take last Friday off from my day job to fill my den, dining room, bedrooms and office full of boxes of clutter and junk and crap.

Susie took the day off too and we both worked from 8 a.m. until 10 p.m. straight on this crap.

On Saturday, the alarm went off at 4 a.m. so we could get out in the driveway and start unloading these boxes of crap for the early birds who start showing up at 5 a.m.

Five a.m. came and nobody was in our driveway except my wife and I, shivering from the cold and trying to whisper so we didn't wake the neighbors.

Six a.m. ... nobody.

It wasn't until 6:45 a.m. that we started getting customers.

I was making small talk with one of the guys (YARD SALE TIP #195: Make small talk with each customer. That makes them feel a bit bad if they leave empty-handed) and the guy said that in the ad that somebody else placed in the local buy-sell-trade magazine for the community yard sale said in big bold letters "ABSOLUTELY NO EARLY BIRDS".

This, naturally, sucked because I coulda slept two hours later.

Anyway, there was a huge threat of violent thunderstorms (80% chance in the morning) and that kept a lot of people away.

We had seven 6' tables and three 8' tables loaded with crap.

By 11 a.m. we had made $300 which really sucks for us. A good, organized yard sale should yield you at least $500.

But, in our defense we had no big ticket items ... we nickle and dimed 'em to death.

I loaded up the van and took all the leftovers up to the clubhouse in order to donate it to the local battered women shelter and there was a lady there unloading her van.

"How'd you do?" I asked.

"We made $18.75," she said.

Ohmigod.

I was talking to an amateur.

She said that she had made $8.75 all day and then a guy came up and offered her $10 for a $75 entertainment center.

She took the moolah because she didn't want to move the entertainment center back inside.

Jeez.

I told her we made $25.

A) I wanted to make her feel better about her day.

And B) I didn't feel like going in to how to make $300 selling crap.

I'm saving that for my book "Uncle Bob's Wacky Yard Sale Tips and Waffle Recipes".

This week I've been fretting over my party tonight.

I have a party two and a half hours away ... a sorority gig.

It's a Karaoke party.

Since I haven't done Karaoke in about four months, I've had a break from it and I feel refreshed and I'm almost looking forward to it.

Now, a few weeks ago I made a decision that I needed to get some new Karaoke for this party.

The last time I updated my stuff was in 2004 and so the most recent song I had in my repertoire was "Hey Ya!"

So I ordered two Karaoke sets ... the best of 2005 and 2006.

A little more than 900 new songs.

The Karaoke came in on Monday.

WITHOUT any kind of data base.

So I've had to type in 900 artists, song titles, discs and tracks into my spreadsheet.

That took about six hours.

I printed it out.

EVERY SINGLE F'N TRACK WAS #5.

ON BOTH THE NEW AND OLD KARAOKE.

Bottom line ... I had to retype EVERYTHING back in.

I've been working on it day and night since Tuesday morning.

I finished it early yesterday afternoon and printed one copy ... 82 pages.

It was fine.

I went to Kinko's and printed out nine more copies.

Last night I stuffed 820 pages into sheet protectors in 10 books.

I have paper cuts on top of paper cuts.

My hands look like the inside of a moose's ass.

I got up at 5:00 a.m. today.

I have to work today at the day job, leave there at 3:00, drive the two and a half hours to the gig, set up and encourage drunken college students to sing Hank Williams Jr songs for three hours. Then it's back in the car at 10-10:30 p.m. to drive home and get home between 12:30 and 1 a.m.

Tomorrow night ... a school prom.

Saturday, a wedding at 2:30 and a prom at 9 p.m.

Sunday ... I die from a heart attack.