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5:52 a.m. - 2007-05-02


I am thoroughly convinced that I have what it takes to be an opera singer.

I don't know much about operas except the singers are usually obese (check) and like to sing about death and shit (double check).

Their main talent is they can make their voice go "ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah" and I am like the triple check master of that shit. I learned that shit in my high school choir.

So ever since I saw il Divo or whatever the hell that boy band opera group who was on American Idol last week, I've been walking around the house going "ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah" really loud and boisterous.

So that means I can cut it as an opera singer.

I wrote an email to Lucy Pavorotti or whatever his name is and said "Dude, whenever you're ready to step down ... holla."

I'm now waiting for that email to come back saying "You the man, Ah ah ah ah ah ah Guy! Fly over here to Italy and let's get you started."

It's just the latest in my many "Get Rich Quick And Be An Opera Singer To Boot" scams.

I bought Susie an iPod for Mother's Day.

One of those nice ones ... video ... holds 7,500 songs (yeah right) ... etc.

I ordered it from and had them engrave that crap line "To the world's best mom from the world's best son" on it.

Fully intended on giving it to her on Mother's day.

Until she checked my online banking statement for my business which I foolishly gave her the account number, password and answers to my questions just in case I was to ever keel over and die from trying to reach an operatic note that my heart wasn't meant to reach.

"What's this $270 thing for" she asked all pissy like she had caught me spending more money on myself.

"That's your Mother's Day iPod," I said, totally ruining the surprise.

She got all gooshy and was all "For meeeeee???" as I handed it to her last Friday night just so she wouldn't beat my ass for spending money.

So we've been putting a bunch of crap on her iPod the last few days and she's on cloud nine because now she can listen to podcasts.

Never mind that she could do it before without an iPod.

She swears up and down she needed an iPod to listen to podcasts.

Whatever, Sherlock.

Anyway, the good news?

I no longer have to talk to her because she always has ear plugs in.


Had to spank Andrew the other night.

Seems it was one of those rare occasions when Susie pulled out her ear plugs in order to fight with the boy over the stupidest matter.

He had already eaten dinner since she gets home late and she and I were sitting down to eat dinner.

She insisted he come to the table.

He insisted that he got caught up on his morning edition of Peep on the TiVo instead.

"Dinner table"




Now, believe it or not, I'm the rational one in our family.

I say, pick your battles. There's no sense in getting all bent out of shape because you want a six year-old to sit at the dinner table and not eat anything because he's already eaten when he just wants to unwind after a long day at school by chilling with Peep.

But this screaming back and forth was getting insane and I could tell that at least one of the participants wanted me to do something about it.

So I got up from the table.

I walked briskly over to Andrew.

I have to admit ... I get a slight perverse thrill about this.

I've only spanked the kid maybe four times in his life.

Usually, the mere threat of a spanking is enough to get him to shape up.

But the look he gets on his face is this:

"Oh shit. I've done it now. Here he comes. Okay, what's my best way of escape? Here ... I'll turn around and run ... run ... RUN FORREST! RUN!!!"

Before he could get too far, I grabbed his right wrist.

I went to spank him and he managed to escape the first swat.

I went in for the second swat and got his butt.

I then let go and said "GO TO YOUR ROOM!"

I tried to get a third swat in but he was too far away by that point and I honestly almost toppled over and landed on my fat, opera-singing face.

So he goes to his room and slams the door.

And this is what we found written on his Dry Erase board in his room

"Door Lockt"

"Wolt" is apparently how he writes "would".

"Lockt" is "locked".

It really is the cutest thing and makes you kinda feel bad for swatting a kid only because it's easier to shut him up than it is to shut your wife up.

And the consequences aren't nearly as bad.

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