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6:14 a.m. - 2007-05-25


Soooo ... we took a family vacation down to Panama City Beach this past week.

I wanted to go before Memorial Day because this is the weekend where prices shoot up for everything and the beach becomes packed with rowdy assed teens and college students, drunk on cheap beer and acting like complete fucking morons.

Apparently the complete fucking morons are at the beach a helluva lot earlier than Memorial Day weekend.

The first night we're there we go out to the beach, have a great time, snap a few photos.

One turns out decent enough.

The rest ... eh.

Anyway, we go to a restaurant where our waiter is obviously on some sort of drug.

I'm guessing cocaine. Because he talked REALLY LOUD and reallyfast and kept referring to everything as the "coon-ass" way of doing things.

"Lemme show you how to eat those oysters the coon-ass way!"

"Lemme tell you how to order desert the coon-ass way!"

"Lemme show your wife how to have beach butt sex the coon-ass way!"

Enough, Cokehead. I get it. You're a coon-ass. You're one more reason why everyone thinks Southerners are idiots.

Anyway, we eat, go back to the room, all fall asleep pretty quickly.

At 12:42 a.m. some drunken teens decide that just outside our suite is the perfect location for a keg party.

I get up, stumble to the door, open it and as politely as I can, say "You fuckheads need to go to your goddamned rooms before I shoot you all dead."

They leave while making fun of my big assed pale belly.

At 3:30 a.m. I'm woken up by what sounds like somebody slamming an ice chest against the wall of our balcony and ice falling all over the concrete floor.

I open the door and there's nothing.

I'm guessing I dreamt it.

Happens again.

I do the same thing.


About the fourth time this happens, I make the intelligent decision to look down at the beach.

A group of teenagers are shooting off fireworks.

And a security guard is quickly approaching them.

And I go back to sleep.

We made the mistake of taking Andrew on a pirate cruise.

Every review I read of the cruise gave it five stars.

Therefore, I was expecting a fun-filled two hour adventure on the seas.

And the first two minutes were just that.

Then, they fired off the cannons.

My kid ... he's got very sensitive hearing.

Doesn't care much for loud noises.

Those cannons sent him screaming into the galley down below where he stayed for the majority of the cruise.

The only time he came out is when I physically carried him out of there to look at dolphins and to try and get him to have fun with the other kids.

He was SOBBING for almost two hours straight.

The cruise was nice. The pirates were fun and entertaining.

If my kid wasn't terrified of loud noises, I'd give it a five star review too.

Unfortunately, my kid shits his pants if anyone speaks to him above a whisper so sorry ... there's your first two-star review, Jack Sparrow.

The one good thing??

Since we've gotten back and every time he does something he needs to be punished for, all I have to do is say "Do you want me to take you back to the Pirate Cruise?" and he's good as gold.

Finally ...Andrew "graduated" from his first year of school yesterday.

They had a big ceremony yesterday for the 40+ kids of the kindergarten class.

It was a lot of "Oh how we love your children blah blah blah. Oh how they're so precious blah blah blah. Oh how we want your tuition dollars for next year blah blah blah".

Then they do awards for each kid.

Andrew got "Most Improved in Self Control".

Which means he's either quit or severely cut back the time he spends dry humping inanimate objects.

Then the principal takes the microphone.

Apparently, each year, she hands out the "Principal Award" (snappy title) to the student who she feels most deserves it.

I'm yawning and looking at my watch.

And I hear her announce Andrew's name.

And I can't say I'm so much "proud" as I am shocked by this.

He's the youngest kid in the whole school.

They've tested him recently ... can't remember if I shared this or not ... but he's reading at a third grade level and can recognize some fourth grade level words.

His math is at a second grade level.

It's been recommended by the staff there that he skips first grade and goes straight into second.

I can't really get too excited because there's a seven year-old kid there in the fourth grade.

So it's not like my kid is the Einstein of the school.

But yeah ... now that the shock has worn off I guess I'm pretty proud of the boy.

Now if we can just get past this whole fascination with eating his boogers, I might be able to take him out of his cage on the weekends.

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