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5:58 a.m. - 2007-06-05


I am heartbroken over Paris Hilton.

How could such a huge ... no ... MEGA star fall so quickly from the graces of fame and admiration?

Well, I guess she's still famous. But you know what I'm trying to say in a snotty sarcastic fashion.

I saw the MTV Movie Awards where Sarah Silverman bashed Paris to her face and the audience howled their approval.

That had to hurt Paris.

That had to devastate Paris.

Apparently it did. Because just hours afterward, Paris decided that ... dammit ... it's time to turn myself in and pay my debt to society.

As soon as she put on her orange jail jumpsuit, America as a whole sighed that big assed sigh of relief.

The roads were safe to travel on again.

Paris was behind bars.

Now then, it is my job as a human being and one caring motherfucker to give Paris a few tips on how she can better present herself to America once she gets out of the klink in order to take back her crown as America's Most Fucked-up Princess (not counting Britney).

I think ... nay ... I SHALL present this in a Top Ten List fashion.


10) If you ever wake up in the morning, rub the sleep out of your eyes, walk to your window, look out and say "I think I'd like to make a pop album today and be considered a singer" ... go back to bed.

9) Change your catchphrase from "That's hot" to "That's not how they do it in prison".

8) Instead of referring to African Americans as "niggers" when you get drunk and have video cameras shoved in your face, try "non-honkys". Same thing with gay people. Don't call them "fags". Call them "the vaginally challenged".

7) Quit signing contracts to do "The Simple Life". Nobody's watched that show since the first episode and it's taking up valuable air time that could be given to E! News Daily repeats.

6) Leave the fucking mutt at home. And by "fucking mutt", I mean Nicole Richie.

5) Quit saying stuff like "Maybe my going to jail will give the little girls who look up to me as a role model something to think about." No little girls look up to you. Kids don't dream about someday growing up and being a walking textbook on sexually transmitted diseases.

4) Publicly admit that your sister Nicky is hotter than you. We'd all respect you more if you did. Because she's hot. Real hot. You're about as hot as a fence post. Nicky. She's smokin' hot.

3) Take the dick out of your mouth every once in a while. You never know where that dick has been. But it's a pretty safe bet it's been in Lindsay Lohan.

2) Maybe ... and hear me out on this ... maybe it's time to slow down your partying. I know, I know ... what could you do with all that time? Here's an idea ... crochet. Crochet your ass off.

1) Go. The fuck. Away.

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