COMFORT IS FOR SISSIES

Jesus H. on a cheese straw ... I really let time fly away from me these days.

I've been meaning to write here for a while and I seriously just don't have the time for it anymore.

Oh well ... if you can put up with sporadic updates, I can too.

So I got a new computer last week.

I'd tell ya what brand and all that crap but then a band of rabid computer geeks would start shooting off nonsensical emails to me telling me how I had purchased the Devil's brand of computer and how I'll spend eternity as a dishwasher in Hell for doing so.

I'll give you the initials though ... HP.

Figure it out.

I bought it because I was sick to death of the old computer reminding me that I had Low Disk Space every 12 seconds.

I get it, computer. You want me to free up disk space. I've freed up all I can. Now shut your fucking trap and gimme my email.

Nope.

It wouldn't do it.

So who's laughing now, old computer?? As you sit in the corner unplugged, still full of disk space that I can't seem to rescue from you.

(And before you suggest it ... don't bother. Disc Cleanup and I are so intimate that she might be pregnant)

I'm just sayin'.

I've been doing the most insane weddings lately.

Did one a few weeks ago that was an outdoors wedding.

For those of you who are weather nuts, I live in the number one or two biggest drought area in the country.

For a while there, we hadn't had any significant rainfall in over two months.

Farmers were on the news crying and saying how they had lost everything and I was all "Sucks to be a farmer, yo. Should have gotten an education, bitch."

(I'm kidding of course. Farmers are the backbone of the American economy. But that backbone is now gone here thanks to the drought and the American economy is walking around like it has a Slinky for a backbone. Which sucks, but it's kind of funny to watch because anything with a Slinky for a backbone is quite amusing. Saw a dog once with a Slinky backbone. I laughed for fucking DAYS! It might have been a toy though)

So anyway ... outdoor wedding and like 15 minutes before the ceremony began, two months of rain POURED THE FUCK DOWN.

The bride was in tears. She wasn't IN tears. She was producing more liquid than the sky was at that point.

Then ... and as I'm always apt to say ... I'm no meteorologist ... but once the five minute downpour stopped, it got INCREDIBLY humid outside.

Steam was coming off of the ground.

Now, here's the deal and try to follow me here.

This was a three story place I was playing at.

On the second floor, there's this huge ballroom area ... air conditioned, all the food's there, dance floor's there, chairs, sofas ... very nice area.

Where did they put ME?

On the bottom floor.

At the opposite end of the building.

Outside.

On a porch.

Where I could suck in that 97 degree heat with 100 percent humidity for four hours.

Here's the kicker, kids ... nobody felt like dancing in the sauna outside.

Nay ... they all went INSIDE where it was cool, there was food and drinks, and people were happy.

I LITERALLY had to play to nobody.

Every now and then an employee would come down to my part of the place because they needed napkins or something.

And I'd smile in my sweat-soaked clothes and say "Are they having fun up there?"

And the employees would say "Not really ... but they're COOL."

Thanks, napkin fetcher.

The gig started at 4:30 and was supposed to go until 8:30.

At 6:30, I decided to go upstairs to check on the crowd.

There were 11 people in the room.

They had about 300 at the wedding but most everyone had left because they got drenched in the rain then sweated through a 30 minute wedding in the sun and heat.

So I walked up to the groom and said "Are we about to wrap it up?"

"Oh noooooooo! We're having a great time!"

Ummmm ... take a look around, fucker. You've got a grand total of 10 people standing by the front door holding their purses and car keys in their hands while you're standing there talking to quite possibly the sweatiest man in the history of sweat. Maybe it's time we put a cork in this mess and call it a day.

I grudgingly went back downstairs and put on the My Chemical Romance CD to humor myself for another two hours.

Then ... the entire wedding party shows up out of the blue.

Apparently, all the bridesmaids and groomsmen had been out in the parking lot smoking blunts and shooting smack and whatever the hell else the kids are doing these days.

Because now THEY WANTED TO PARRRRRTY!

There was one black guy in the party and he was the designated song requester.

So we played all the classics like "Pop Lock and Drop It", "Zoom", "Cupid Shuffle" and of course ... "This Is Why I'm Hot".

(Which I prefaced with ... "It's in the high 90s, the humidity is thick, I've been outside for the last several hours while you all sucked the air conditioning units dry drinking your ice-cold drinks and eating chilled shrimp cocktail. This is why I'M hot.")

They danced like they were at a rave for about 15 minutes.

And just as I started playing another of Request Boy's requests, it was like a choreographed scene from a movie.

They all turned around and left.

Strangest goddamned thing I'd ever seen.

Well.

I've seen a pretty badly bruised set of testicles that was probably stranger.

But you get the gist of the story.

It blew me away.

At this point ... I'm tired, drained, pissed and about to have a heat stroke.

So I just stopped the music and began tearing my stuff down and loading it up.

I didn't give a shit if they all just went back out to the parking lot for more hits of ecstasy.

When they returned ... the DJ was going to be GONE.

An hour early.

I started carting stuff out to the van and they were all sitting on the front porch in rocking chairs, just shooting the shit.

Nobody said a word to me.

I didn't say a word to them.

I wanted to say "Fuck all y'all."

But one of the first things they teach you in Wedding DJ 101 is to not say "Fuck all y'all" to the guests.

Tends to rub some people the wrong way.

And can I add that I don't have a vagina?

Awesome.

Carry on soldier.