THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY WRETCHED LIFE

I've got to say ... it wasn't as bad as I remembered it.

It did seem to go on forever. And I probably could have done without the stroking of the penis and the whispering into my butt crack while he did it, but other than that it wasn't that bad.

At least he didn't take a look at his gloves and say "COLONOSCOPY!!" like he did last time which produced nothing more than a group of hot young nurses getting a gander at my less-than-inviting ass while SEVERAL objects were jammed up there.

Granted, I was a tad woozy while all that was going on, but I remember the laughs.

The laughs.

I remember them alright.

Bastards.

I was first diagnosed with high blood pressure at the age of 13.

I was a chunky fat puberty victim with a bad haircut and high blood pressure.

Yeah.

No wonder the chicks weren't just flocking to me back then.

Anyway, the doc gave me medicine for the blood pressure which makes me all jittery.

He also gave me meds for anxiety, depression and sleep disorders.

I'm not sure if I've really got the first two.

More than anything, I just wanted to try some pills that would make me mellow or happy.

Well guess what?

Depression pills don't exactly make you "happy".

What they do is make your stomach twist into knots and then they make you feel sick.

And then, if you happen to be a mobile DJ, they make you show up at a party and just really really really not be into it at all.

And you just go through the motions and keep checking your watch and every now and then you throw your hands up in the air and wave 'em like you just don't care ... but you know what?

You DO care.

And it's a whole lot tougher to wave your hands like you DO care than if you DON'T care.

Especially when you're buzzing with nervous energy.

Doctor explained how that happened ... basically you have discs between your vertebrae which get worn down over time and that's why you see very few old people that are giants.

So I'm now six feet tall.

This is SO humiliating.

So this morning I walked for 30 minutes.

I hit the streets at 4:45 a.m. and walked to the entrance of our subdivision and back.

That's the first time I've walked a sizable distance in probably 3-4 years.

It felt good. Invigorating. Etc.

All the things I'm supposed to say when I'm trying to lose weight.

I've got to set a goal, the doctor said.

And then meet it.

I can set goals. I'm a goal-setting buffoon when I wanna be.

...Not so much the "meeting it" thing.

But I ate healthy all weekend, and only ate one bad thing.

Half of Andrew's cookie that he didn't want.

Other than that ... grilled chicken breast, baked potato with soy sauce and steamed veggies.

I feel like I've bought "The Biggest Loser Home Edition".

I'm hungry now.

Gonna go see if I can scrounge up some carrot sticks.

God help me.