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6:12 a.m. - 2007-11-27


I've got a good friend who owns a cell phone franchise here in town.

I don't want to say the name but it rhymes with Schmerizon Schmerwireless.

Anyway, my old cell phone was getting on my nerves because it was a flip phone and every time I "flipped" it to open and answer it, it would cut off whoever was calling.

Which was ... more often than not ... a potential customer.

And then I'd have to chuckle and say "We must have gotten cut off blah blah blah!" while pretending to listen to them as I was secretly cursing my phone.

So I was talking to my buddy and said "I need a new phone".

My buddy said go online at and pick out a phone up to $300 in value and he'd give it to me for free to sign up for two years of service.

Okey Dokey, Smokey!

I can do that!

He had one of his employees call me and walk me through the various phones they sold trying to find me the "perfect" phone.

The number one thing I look for in a cell phone is ... is the thing able to make and receive phone calls?


Then I'm sold.

I do not need to make text messages. I may look forever young, but trust me ... I'm over the age of 12 and text messaging doesn't appeal to me.



A camera in the phone? Yeah sure. That'd be fun if I could learn how to use it in between actually TALKING ON THE FUCKING THING.

MP3 player? Well, I have an iPod. But yeah. That'd be cool for my phone to play music. Nice, crisp, clear music. Sure. Toss that in. I love me some music.

Do I need a little QWERTY keyboard to check my emails? I guess I do since the salesgirl pointed out "You're not always near a computer and you never know if you're getting emails at those times or not."

Bingo. Gimme one of those things.

So I got this phone:

Pretty nice phone. Lots of features. Can even order a pizza for delivery off of it. Purty cool, dude.

So I ask the girl about downloading music from my computer to my phone.

Wellllll ... that's $30 for our Music Essentials Kit. But once I have that, I've got music on my phone.

Oh ... and a memory card. Buy this 2 gig memory card. We know you'd rather have a 4 gig but this is all we have in stock so take this one.

So I've got a memory card, a music essentials kit and a new phone.


"Connect failed. Please check and make sure your USB cable is connected."

I do that.

I'm not the most intelligent guy in my home, but I can determine whether a USB cable is connected or not.

I try again.

Same results.

This all takes place last Wednesday ... Thanksgiving Eve.

At 9 p.m. I decided to call Schmerizon's Tech Support.

I'm sure they can walk me through it.

At 10:10 p.m. they've determined that my phone is missing an MTP driver and to call Hewlett Packard who manufactured my computer and they (and I fucking QUOTE) here) "will be able to tell you exactly where the MTP driver is and tell you how to install it in your computer so that you can enjoy your music on the phone."

It's now 10:15 on Thanksgiving Eve.

I've got a houseful of people to get up and cook for the next day.

But this was really starting to eat away at me.

So I called H-P.

Aaaaand after 90 minutes, my man Todd at HP Tech Support decided that they couldn't fix this problem and that I needed to go banging on Samsung's door since Samsung made the phone.

He gave me the number and I called.

And Samsung isn't as friendly as the other tech supports. They offer tech support for like ... I dunno ... a few minutes a day and you have to call them during those minutes if you want anyone to wipe your cyber ass for you.

So yesterday I finally call Samsung.

Patti Pakistan answered the phone after listening to all the great recorded deals Samsung has to offer for 15 minutes.

"Ken eye hep youuuuu?" she says in the phone.


I don't care that there are some people living in this country that can't speak English very well.

But goddammit ... just keep them from getting tech support jobs. That's all I ask. I'm calling tech support because I want a clear cut answer on how to fix my problem. Pakistanians may be the nicest people in the free world ... but I'd never know it because I can't understand a goddamned word they're saying.

At one point, she tells me that I have to remove my battery pack in order to get a number out of that area.

Well,. here you go.

I can't remove the battery pack.

I put the phone down and tell her to bear with me.

I struggle with it.

I get a steak knife and try to pry it off which didn't work, but the knife slipped and left a big gash in the back of my new phone.

Now. I'm. Pissed.

I tell the lady it's not coming off.

She says she has no idea which phone I have since I can't remove that battery cover.

I tell her over and over again WHICH phone I have. It's the SCH-u740.

It's the one that's in your new commercials. Pretty big deal acccording to the commercials, Patti.

She does a little research and comes back with this fact.

I can not put music on this phone because it doesn't play music.

I laughed because I thought she was joking.

Then I realized she wasn't.

I then tried to explain nicely that it DOES play music. I have the box right there MADE SPECIFICALLY for this phone with the USB cable in it and the CD with all the drivers on it and ... oh look ... it even has MP3 buttons on the front of the phone! A play/pause, rewind and fast forward!

It plays music, Patti. It does. That's one of the reasons I bought it!


Patti works tech support for Samsung and she knows ... SHE KNOWS ... my brand new hip phone doesn't hold MP3s.

I asked her if I can buy MP3s from the phone since the phone can access a music store. I've figured that much out.

I was told I can buy all the music I want ... but I cannot put it on my phone.

I then told her I didn't want this phone anymore and she said "You have 30 days from purchase to return it."



I'd like to return it up your ignorant Pakistani ass.


Sometimes my anti-depressants don't work as good as they could.

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